Step-Parenting

Growing up I always knew one thing. That I wanted, more than anything else, to be a mom. As a child I dreamt of being a teacher so I could help other kids. As a young teen I babysat and worked at camps. The older I got, the more I planned my life ahead of me, thinking I would be happily married, have finished college, have a career, a house and a family... by 25. How delusional was I? Of all the scenarios I played out in my head, never in a million years did it dawn on me that I might be someones step-mother one day. Lo and behold, before I even had a chance to have my own children, I was given the gift of this child in my life. My "pseudo-step-daughter". Little Miss was just 6 when her father and I began dating. Now she is 11. We are engaged and she has a little brother (The Bean).

When I was a kid, I thought - I can do anything. I'd be a great mom. How hard could it be? Then came Little Miss and I was thrown into a whirl wind of chaos and who gets her when and what about holidays and where are her clothes and you said WHAT to her? At least then I had my own mother to talk to about things. The "is this normal?" questions. The "how do I handle this situation?" stuff. (What I wouldn't give for her advice lately.) Then I found out I was pregnant and thought "I can do this." What a shock when The Bean was born. I knew it would be hard. But I never would have imagined how difficult it would be. All of those difficulties considered, I think being a step-parent is more difficult than being a parent to your own child. The borderlines, the gray areas, the cross of parent and friend, the other parent that isn't your partner and the relationship with them, your ideas of raising kids vs the biological parents' ideas of raising kids - do they concur or disagree, communication, so much more... A lot of these things are part of being a parent to your own also. But there is a whole other level of stress involved when dealing with kids that aren't yours. When it boils down to it, Little Miss isn't my child. I treat her like she is my own flesh and blood, yes. But she isn't. And it hurts my heart to love her as much as I do and see her struggle so much. My hands are tied in so many situations. And even though we always have her best interests at heart, because of their custodial agreement, her mother has the last word. So when we think things aren't being done the best way possible or things aren't being followed up on or she needs something she isn't getting (physical, emotional, educational needs, etc.), it really doesn't matter what we say because we can't really enforce anything outside of our house.

But how do you handle an 11 year old girl? Do you stay tough or try the "be her friend" thing? The friend thing hasn't seem to have worked for her mother. She does whatever she wants at her moms house. When she comes to us, if she has schoolwork to do, she knows I mean business. I know she can be successful if she tries. But she doesn't try. You can't force a kid to try in school. You can't force them to pay attention in class, to write notes, copy down their homework. So what do you do? Hope they make the right choices? That doesn't really seem like a good enough answer for me. I'm at a loss. I need some guidance.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily