Hard to believe right? I didn't think it was possible, but the ache in my tummy is telling that it surely is. I've been eating so much junk so I really could use some exercise. Aside from the fact: I absolutely love to run. I haven't be able to, unfortunately, for the last six and a half years because of my foot. I had a bunionectomy and my foot hasn't been the same since (and I haven't gotten it fixed yet, either). But a pretty nice perk of working during the days is that I can go for walks or runs in the mornings or at night. The overnight work has not only messed up my sleep habits, but also my eating habits. So it will be good for me to get back into a relatively normal schedule.
I had written a letter to both my GM and FOM regarding my new job. The FOM stayed late last night to speak with me about it. My feeling is that being hired for this new job had absolute perfect timing. She told me that, being that we are coming into the slow season, our hours would have been cut down anyway. So it kind of eases the burden on her payroll budget. She acknowledged that she doesn't think I will be able to keep both jobs for long, but agreed to let me stay on Sunday and Monday nights, which is when my coworker has off. I don't think it will be so bad. My fiance usually has off on Sunday, so I should get enough sleep. And if I can get my future MIL to agree to watch The Bean, give him dinner, a bath and put him to bed, then I can get sleep on Mondays. If not though, he goes to bed at 7:30 so I will still get about 3 hours a sleep, which is what I get most of the time anyway. So it won't be too much change. I know that when I leave the hotel I will need a second job. I just hope I can wait a little while. I really will need the money, but I know I am really going to want to be home. Plus, if I work at night too, that means I will have to get someone to watch The Bean. Which is asking a lot of someone (like my fiance's parents) who just get home from their own full schedule.
One negative effect I will be feeling very soon is the fact that The Bean has his 2 year check up in the 19th. I will no longer be full time at the hotel at that point and so we won't have insurance, as I am sure that it won't kick in immediately at the doctors office. Maybe I can talk to my manager and see if the first two weeks of my new job I can go down to 32 hours, so that I am still technically full time. It's asking a lot of myself though. I don't know if I can do it. I might have to though. And I will probably have to reschedule his appointment for a new time since I will now be at work during the day. Yikes. Maybe she has weekend hours and I can go the weekend before. That way I only have to work two extra nights the first week. I think that is what I should find out. I'll have to call them today. Maybe they will let me push his appointment up a week so that I don't have to put extra hours in at all. Maybe I can make this work afterall. This blog thing is coming in very handy for sorting my thoughts.
It's now Thursday. Tonight is a VIP thing for the new Buffalo Wild Wings in Hicksville where my old TGIFriday's manager is the DO. He got us a ticket for 2 to attend. So we are dropping The Bean off at my brothers for a few hours while we go be child-free adults briefly. Then it will be back to work for me for my last overnight of the week. Then tomorrow morning I will be heading upstate to visit my best friend and her family with the kids. It will call for a LOT of caffiene, that's for sure. I'm going to try to leave work 15 minutes early to get a bit of a nap in before heading out. Which means packing for myself and the two kids must be done today. Along with all the cleaning. And I have to nap this afternoon so I can almost function tonight. Busy day ahead. But it will all be worth it. I can't wait!
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Moving On (Up?)
On my way to visit my future MIL in the hospital yesterday, her sister called me. I presumed to ask about her condition. Instead she was calling me in for an "interview" with the doctors office where she is the manager. my fiance's mom worked for this doctor for 15 years and always raves about him. I keep hearing what a nice guy he is and how family friendly. It was practically normal to them that I had The Bean with me for the interview. He told me he would rather I bring The Bean here and come to work, then miss work because I can't find a sitter. How cool is that?! Basically he said "Jean [my fiance's aunt] gave me your resume and told me about you. Basically, I need you to be here. I NEED you here." And I said "Okay." That was essentially our interview. I start a week from Monday (which is the 10th). Aunt Jean is going to contact me to go over the schedule and pay. It's going to be more than at the hotel. But its only 30-35 hours a week. Which is great... except I need to make more money than that. So I am going to continue working at the hotel part time for a while, if they let me. I almost hope they say no. But I feel bad not giving a full two weeks notice so I am going to try to slowly leave. It's kind of a lame move on my part. But helpful to them that I am not leaving them high and dry. My goal is to eventually, relatively soon, leave the hotel all together and get a different part time job that doesn't have such difficult hours. Maybe in retail. A discount during the holidays would be nice. Or in a restaurant, though I really don't want to waitress anymore. But I will if it is financially beneficial. I wrote to both my General Manager as well as my Front Office Manager to let them know. I kind of put the ball in their court. But I also insinuated that they might want someone full time for the job. I also told them that I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep the hours of both jobs, and that if it got to be too much, I would let them know. Because eventually, it will be too much. Especially with my fiance working at night so he can be home with The Bean during the day, it won't give me much time to rest between jobs.
I wrote my first letter to my dad last night/this morning. I am going to put it in the mail today I guess. I just need to locate some stamps. I wanted to send him some, too, to get across the idea that he is supposed to write me back. Though I didn't say it in the letter.
My fiance and I have been trying to figure out our "plan", but now with this new job, it looks like the decision was made for us. We will be sticking around LI for a while. Which is good because we will be near Little Miss. But it's not where we want to be and it's expensive. But I guess we will work it out; take what we can get. We always figure things out. We spoke about it yesterday and he said he doesn't think he is ready to move far away to CA or TX. He'd prefer to stay on the East Coast, close to NY, like DE, PA, or MD, for now. Maybe we will retire further out west. Or maybe we will get stuck here like almost everyone on Long Island does. It's okay though. I'm happy that I got this job and I am looking at it as a sign of better things to come. I can hardly wait to start. And one of my favorite parts? I get to wear scrubs! Yay! So comfy!
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
I wrote my first letter to my dad last night/this morning. I am going to put it in the mail today I guess. I just need to locate some stamps. I wanted to send him some, too, to get across the idea that he is supposed to write me back. Though I didn't say it in the letter.
My fiance and I have been trying to figure out our "plan", but now with this new job, it looks like the decision was made for us. We will be sticking around LI for a while. Which is good because we will be near Little Miss. But it's not where we want to be and it's expensive. But I guess we will work it out; take what we can get. We always figure things out. We spoke about it yesterday and he said he doesn't think he is ready to move far away to CA or TX. He'd prefer to stay on the East Coast, close to NY, like DE, PA, or MD, for now. Maybe we will retire further out west. Or maybe we will get stuck here like almost everyone on Long Island does. It's okay though. I'm happy that I got this job and I am looking at it as a sign of better things to come. I can hardly wait to start. And one of my favorite parts? I get to wear scrubs! Yay! So comfy!
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Pen Pals
I finally got my dad's mailing address at his house way up in the mountains. I am thinking of writing him a letter once a week. Something for him to look forward to. Maybe get a picture printed out here and there of The Bean or both kids (since he sort of likes to think of Little Miss as a grand daughter also) for him. Keep him updated and feel less lonely. I think it's a good idea. Especially as opposed to my last brilliant idea: drop everything to move up there. Oh I can help him out by paying him to babysit The Bean. He makes more money than I do right now. And he still finds room to complain about it. I feel less bad for him than I did a few weeks ago. His birthday is in 4 weeks. I was going to go up to visit him, but he might be hunting so I am not sure. And my parents anniversary is in just about 2 weeks, so I know that will be extra hard on him. Being that my older brother just turned 30, that means it would have been their 31st wedding anniversary. I probably shouldn't keep track of things like that considering how sad it makes me. And I just can't help but think how much more sad my dad is. But maybe sending him letters will help him feel a little less distant.
I brought my future MIL to the hospital this morning. They made me leave her there because I had The Bean with me and he wasn't allowed in the ER. Her crohns and colitis was flaring up. She's been suffering with symptoms for over a week but did not want to go to the hospital. It finally got to the point this morning when she could no longer take the pain. I felt so bad leaving her there alone though. I know her husband went there to see her. He called around 3:30 to let us know she had just gotten a room. So he probably went there shortly after lunch, which was when I saw him and let him know. And we had only left her there at 11, so hopefully she wasn't alone for too long - she hates hospitals. I hope they are able to get it under control quickly and alleviate her pain.
I finally sat my butt down and searched to see if there were any job openings with CHSLI, since my connection keeps telling me someone will call. I figure I should at the very least be prepared with what positions are available. And I could follow up as well, if I could find an opening and the contact person. There are none. Not within any radiation oncology center and not with almost all of the hospitals they represent. I think only one hospital has some admin positions available. And I would be happy to accept one, but I am not getting my hopes up for a call. Which makes me think that maybe I should apply for jobs elsewhere, as in upstate New York, Texas, Colorado, California, Delaware. But I still need to know what my fiance's plan is before I go trying to move away. I keep telling him that it is up to him if we move away from his family. But the truth is, I am getting used to them being around. His mother and I finally have a good relationship. And she is always telling me how much she likes having the kids there so much; which makes it difficult to say "I'm going to move and you will hardly ever see them again." Part of me thinks that is what she is trying to do; get me to stop wanting to move away so that her grandkids can be close to her. And it's not that I blame her. But her son and I cannot possibly flourish here. So it is a difficult little spot to be in. How does a person move without a place to go or money to rent an apartment, but how do you move somewhere without a job? So what do you do? Keep working a mediocre job for barely enough money to pay bills until there is enough saved that if you do get a job, you can move somewhere. OR, do you try and get a good job where you are able to save up more money and then leave your good job to live where you want to and risk not getting another good job?
Thanks for reading!
Peace & Love,
Emily
I brought my future MIL to the hospital this morning. They made me leave her there because I had The Bean with me and he wasn't allowed in the ER. Her crohns and colitis was flaring up. She's been suffering with symptoms for over a week but did not want to go to the hospital. It finally got to the point this morning when she could no longer take the pain. I felt so bad leaving her there alone though. I know her husband went there to see her. He called around 3:30 to let us know she had just gotten a room. So he probably went there shortly after lunch, which was when I saw him and let him know. And we had only left her there at 11, so hopefully she wasn't alone for too long - she hates hospitals. I hope they are able to get it under control quickly and alleviate her pain.
I finally sat my butt down and searched to see if there were any job openings with CHSLI, since my connection keeps telling me someone will call. I figure I should at the very least be prepared with what positions are available. And I could follow up as well, if I could find an opening and the contact person. There are none. Not within any radiation oncology center and not with almost all of the hospitals they represent. I think only one hospital has some admin positions available. And I would be happy to accept one, but I am not getting my hopes up for a call. Which makes me think that maybe I should apply for jobs elsewhere, as in upstate New York, Texas, Colorado, California, Delaware. But I still need to know what my fiance's plan is before I go trying to move away. I keep telling him that it is up to him if we move away from his family. But the truth is, I am getting used to them being around. His mother and I finally have a good relationship. And she is always telling me how much she likes having the kids there so much; which makes it difficult to say "I'm going to move and you will hardly ever see them again." Part of me thinks that is what she is trying to do; get me to stop wanting to move away so that her grandkids can be close to her. And it's not that I blame her. But her son and I cannot possibly flourish here. So it is a difficult little spot to be in. How does a person move without a place to go or money to rent an apartment, but how do you move somewhere without a job? So what do you do? Keep working a mediocre job for barely enough money to pay bills until there is enough saved that if you do get a job, you can move somewhere. OR, do you try and get a good job where you are able to save up more money and then leave your good job to live where you want to and risk not getting another good job?
Thanks for reading!
Peace & Love,
Emily
Monday, September 26, 2011
Back to the Future
This weekend all four of us went to dinner at my aunt and uncles house on Saturday (my mom's brother). My youngest cousin over there loves The Bean to bits. He is almost the same age as Little Miss though, so it works out really nicely. Their oldest boy is a junior in high school and the middle boy is a freshman I think. I cannot comprehend how the middle one can be so rude to his parents, especially in front of company, family or not. I was totally appalled. I almost said something to him. He is my cousin after all, and part of me felt like I can put him in his place if I wanted. But then I thought it might be inappropriate of me to speak to him like then when his parents weren't, for whatever reason. Regardless, I love visiting them. My aunt is always so nice and my uncle (who is always incredibly nice) reminds me so much of my mom.
Yesterday we all went to my cousins (on my fathers side) sons 3rd birthday party. It was just a small little gathering meant more for the kids than anything. They live a bit further out on the Island. I don't get to talk to them or see them that much, but I love my cousin and his wife so much. They are such great people with such big hearts. My cousin was telling me their plans for their house and future, suggesting we move out near them being that it is a lot less expensive. It just got the thinking ball rolling again about what we are going to do. What are we going to do? Where are we going to settle and when? What about career paths? There are so many aspects to think about: distance from Little Miss, from my family, his family, our friends nearby, our friends that are further away, can we get jobs, cost of living, how are the school districts. Part of me thinks that I would love to be on the other side of the country; most of my communication with people is via the internet or telephone anyway. But do I really want to move away from my brother and girlfriend? My best friend is 2 hours away and that is hard enough; what would we do if I moved even further? And what about my fiance's family? They love having us living with them. His mom tells me all the time how happy it makes her to have us there and how much she enjoys seeing The bean every day and Little Miss all the time. And what about Little Miss? I told my fiance it is 100% his decision. Moving away from her would be a huge step, and I don't know if it would be a good idea. I think it could really do damage emotionally to her. And her mother always says that if we wanted to move, she would go, too. But we can't rely on her to do that. Her move to follow us where we want to go so that Little Miss can see her dad. That doesn't sound like something any pair of split parents would do. And it's not fair to expect that anyway. And what about jobs? Right now I am still trying to get a job with CHSLI or the doctor's office. What if I get one of them? It would make it difficult to move away once I were to finally get a good job. There is a daycare out east by my cousins who is hiring. I spoke with the manager at the birthday party and she wants me to apply; and I'd get a discount for The Bean. So what about if I do that; do we move further out east so the commute isn't so rough? How does that factor into getting the hospital/doctor jobs? I would still keep this job at the hotel, at least part time, regardless. But then I am killing myself. And what about my fiance? I am practically begging him to go back to school. Take online classes. Something. I know he could do great things if he tried. He doesn't think he is capable though. He says how much he struggled in school, but I reminded him that was more than 12 years ago. I want him to be happy. I know if we are happy, he will be happy. But this mediocre, barely making ends meet, where will we be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 and 20 years crap really makes me pretty... well, not happy. I don't want to be hard on him but he is so content with the way our life is right now, and I really think we can do better. We share a room that's maybe 10x10 with two kids and all of our belongings are stored in two different unfinished basements (which means when we do finally move out, most everything will have to be replaced). I don't really know what move to make first. Ideally, I would get the job with CHSLI in their radiation oncology department, work FT there and almost FT at the hotel, then maybe take some classes and go back to school, get certified and start making more money. That would entail The Bean going into daycare, which doesn't thrill me, but if that is what has to happen, then so be it. But if that did work out, daycare cost would eat up any extra money we might have so we wouldn't be able to afford rent; so how would we move out on our own? And then if I did take a great job like that here, I certainly wouldn't want to give it up; which would mean we would be staying here on the Island. Within a few years, The Bean would be starting school and then I really wouldn't want to make him move away. So that would mean we would be here for at least 20 years. I just don't know if I would be happy with that. I don't want to buy a house on the Island, but I do want one so the dogs and kids can run around safely in a fenced in yard. Get a playground for them so they can enjoy themselves. I just don't want to kill myself trying to give them that here. It's so expensive.
Le sigh.... again... maybe a weekend away will clear my head. Looking forward to next weekend, visiting my old college and then apple and pumpkin picking with my best friend and all of our kids. What a scene it will be! I can't wait.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Yesterday we all went to my cousins (on my fathers side) sons 3rd birthday party. It was just a small little gathering meant more for the kids than anything. They live a bit further out on the Island. I don't get to talk to them or see them that much, but I love my cousin and his wife so much. They are such great people with such big hearts. My cousin was telling me their plans for their house and future, suggesting we move out near them being that it is a lot less expensive. It just got the thinking ball rolling again about what we are going to do. What are we going to do? Where are we going to settle and when? What about career paths? There are so many aspects to think about: distance from Little Miss, from my family, his family, our friends nearby, our friends that are further away, can we get jobs, cost of living, how are the school districts. Part of me thinks that I would love to be on the other side of the country; most of my communication with people is via the internet or telephone anyway. But do I really want to move away from my brother and girlfriend? My best friend is 2 hours away and that is hard enough; what would we do if I moved even further? And what about my fiance's family? They love having us living with them. His mom tells me all the time how happy it makes her to have us there and how much she enjoys seeing The bean every day and Little Miss all the time. And what about Little Miss? I told my fiance it is 100% his decision. Moving away from her would be a huge step, and I don't know if it would be a good idea. I think it could really do damage emotionally to her. And her mother always says that if we wanted to move, she would go, too. But we can't rely on her to do that. Her move to follow us where we want to go so that Little Miss can see her dad. That doesn't sound like something any pair of split parents would do. And it's not fair to expect that anyway. And what about jobs? Right now I am still trying to get a job with CHSLI or the doctor's office. What if I get one of them? It would make it difficult to move away once I were to finally get a good job. There is a daycare out east by my cousins who is hiring. I spoke with the manager at the birthday party and she wants me to apply; and I'd get a discount for The Bean. So what about if I do that; do we move further out east so the commute isn't so rough? How does that factor into getting the hospital/doctor jobs? I would still keep this job at the hotel, at least part time, regardless. But then I am killing myself. And what about my fiance? I am practically begging him to go back to school. Take online classes. Something. I know he could do great things if he tried. He doesn't think he is capable though. He says how much he struggled in school, but I reminded him that was more than 12 years ago. I want him to be happy. I know if we are happy, he will be happy. But this mediocre, barely making ends meet, where will we be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 and 20 years crap really makes me pretty... well, not happy. I don't want to be hard on him but he is so content with the way our life is right now, and I really think we can do better. We share a room that's maybe 10x10 with two kids and all of our belongings are stored in two different unfinished basements (which means when we do finally move out, most everything will have to be replaced). I don't really know what move to make first. Ideally, I would get the job with CHSLI in their radiation oncology department, work FT there and almost FT at the hotel, then maybe take some classes and go back to school, get certified and start making more money. That would entail The Bean going into daycare, which doesn't thrill me, but if that is what has to happen, then so be it. But if that did work out, daycare cost would eat up any extra money we might have so we wouldn't be able to afford rent; so how would we move out on our own? And then if I did take a great job like that here, I certainly wouldn't want to give it up; which would mean we would be staying here on the Island. Within a few years, The Bean would be starting school and then I really wouldn't want to make him move away. So that would mean we would be here for at least 20 years. I just don't know if I would be happy with that. I don't want to buy a house on the Island, but I do want one so the dogs and kids can run around safely in a fenced in yard. Get a playground for them so they can enjoy themselves. I just don't want to kill myself trying to give them that here. It's so expensive.
Le sigh.... again... maybe a weekend away will clear my head. Looking forward to next weekend, visiting my old college and then apple and pumpkin picking with my best friend and all of our kids. What a scene it will be! I can't wait.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Friday, September 23, 2011
I thought I knew...
I thought I had a title for this entry, but the more I wrote, the more one topic led into another. And then the title was no longer appropriate for the entirety of the entry. Now I don't know what to call it...
This time of year has always rated very high in my book. I love the crisp air, the smell of fall, the changing colors, the cool mornings and nights contrasted by the comfortable temperature during the day. I've noted over the years that I don't write much poetry during the spring or summer. But autumn is so inspiring; it really gets my creative juices flowing. And winter is such a great time for reflection, plus a lot of down time with the cold weather and snow, that I find myself writing a lot during this season as well. I love poetry; reading it and writing it. Most of the time I feel like what I write about is trite and simplistic, and not in a good way, just like my regular writing on here. I'd love to inspire others the way some people get me going. But maybe I am not meant for that. I have to come to grips with the idea that I may not influence a mass audience, or even a small one, during my lifetime.
But I do know that I will influence at least one soul, and that is enough for me. That one soul is more important to me than anything in the world, and if I can teach my son to be kind, caring, helpful, intelligent, motivated (among the many things I hope for him)... then I will have done my life justice. I hope that I can show him how important it is to help others in need. That making sacrifices for the benefit of others can be a good thing. I hope I can show him ways to make a difference. I want him to be happy and fulfilled. I want him to know what he wants out of life and to go for it. I want him to be successful. I hope I can teach him things that I didn't learn until later and instill in him values that keep his head held high. I want him to be proud of good things that he does but not egotistical. I often wonder if I am making mistakes with him now, and if so, how will those mistakes affect his future. Will me letting him get away with throwing his temper tantrums allow him to grow up believing he can act foolish and obnoxious and that people should tolerate that behavior? Goodness, I hope not. Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I just don't know what to do. And what about letting him watch tv? I want to get things done, but I can't obviously trust a not-quite 2 year old to run around the house and stay out of trouble while mommy does laundry or dishes or fixes lunch/dinner... or heaven-forbid, take time to work on a creative project. Our yard is not fenced in so I can certainly not just let him loose outside. I do wish I could though. So my option to get anything accomplished is to barracade him in one room and let him be confined in monotony all day? That isn't much of an option. I hate it. I wish he napped better; his 45 minute to 1 hour (if I am lucky) naps once a day don't allow much time for anything. Especially when it takes me 30 minutes just to get him to fall asleep. I'm not a fan of the idea of letting him scream in his crib for 2 hours in hopes he will give up and go to sleep. He's never been able to fall asleep unassisted. I know I need to break that habit soon, but I just can't deal with the idea of him crying, literally sobbing, for two hours because he doesn't know why mama left him by himself in a dark room out of nowhere. And, housework be damned, I love cuddling with my little man. He's the best part of my days. So I have to snuggle him to sleep? If that means I can look at his calm, angelic face for a while, bring it on. But there is no denying it would be a good time to get things done and let me spend quality time playing with him while he is awake. Le sigh...
Little Miss has her very first school dance this afternoon. I hope she tells me all about it. I know she is starting to like boys, no matter what she says. I found a note in her backpack to a boy she likes. I wasn't snooping, not really anyway. I was going through her backpack after school, like I always have. And she stays with me so if I have any questions, she can answer them (like, What is this assignment? How did that test go? etc.). And I came across this note she had folded up with "To Drew" on it. I asked her about it and she got all flustered. It was really rather adorable. And her dad went to Back to School night last night with her and her mother. He said she was talking to some other students, including boys. I could tell he was a bit anxious about it. I hope as these next years progress and she becomes more and more interested in boys, having boyfriends, and so on, that we can ingrain in her self respect, modesty, and to be fearless in a sense. To not be afraid of saying no to things she is unsure about. To not be afraid of following the status quo if she doesn't believe in it. I am just personally so afraid that children are growing up younger and younger. I don't want her to give in to peer pressure. I just hope that we can teach her the right things before its too late. I hope as she grows, she makes good decisions. I hope she grows up with the confidence that she is beautiful and intelligent and worth peoples time.
It's so hard for girls to grow up thinking they are beautiful when societys ideas of beauty are totally ludicrous. With all the size 2 airbrushed waifs making 16 year old girls look 25, allowing young girls to believe that they have to be even thinner, dress scantily and wear a boatload of makeup to be deemed beautiful (and desireable) is outrageous. It boggles my mind that even "plus size" models are size 10 or 12 when the national average for women is actually a 14. And yet our social media is teaching the younger generations (mind included), that it is totally unacceptable to be that size. That the "norm" should be a 6 or some other difficult to attain number. The stress put on children to look a certain way is baffling and does serious damage to self esteem. And it isn't just girls either. Does every guy look like Brad Pitt or, a new trending leading man, Taylor Lautner? No. But they sure do make men think that they should. I can't argue that those men are not attractive. They are. But how many heavy set, short balding men are portrayed as the jetsetting lead man in a romance film or action movie? Why can this not be found attractive? It is to many women. And for that matter, why must looks be deemed so important? What happened to brains? Why doesn't our media pronounce how attractive intelligence is? Or kindness? Is that really incredible looking person across the way that good looking when they slap you across the face with some nasty words or just plain stupidity? Not so much. I'd like to think that people would begin to evaluate others based on values, common interests and good conversation rather than who looks good on their arm. I hope that I can teach my kids that.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
This time of year has always rated very high in my book. I love the crisp air, the smell of fall, the changing colors, the cool mornings and nights contrasted by the comfortable temperature during the day. I've noted over the years that I don't write much poetry during the spring or summer. But autumn is so inspiring; it really gets my creative juices flowing. And winter is such a great time for reflection, plus a lot of down time with the cold weather and snow, that I find myself writing a lot during this season as well. I love poetry; reading it and writing it. Most of the time I feel like what I write about is trite and simplistic, and not in a good way, just like my regular writing on here. I'd love to inspire others the way some people get me going. But maybe I am not meant for that. I have to come to grips with the idea that I may not influence a mass audience, or even a small one, during my lifetime.
But I do know that I will influence at least one soul, and that is enough for me. That one soul is more important to me than anything in the world, and if I can teach my son to be kind, caring, helpful, intelligent, motivated (among the many things I hope for him)... then I will have done my life justice. I hope that I can show him how important it is to help others in need. That making sacrifices for the benefit of others can be a good thing. I hope I can show him ways to make a difference. I want him to be happy and fulfilled. I want him to know what he wants out of life and to go for it. I want him to be successful. I hope I can teach him things that I didn't learn until later and instill in him values that keep his head held high. I want him to be proud of good things that he does but not egotistical. I often wonder if I am making mistakes with him now, and if so, how will those mistakes affect his future. Will me letting him get away with throwing his temper tantrums allow him to grow up believing he can act foolish and obnoxious and that people should tolerate that behavior? Goodness, I hope not. Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I just don't know what to do. And what about letting him watch tv? I want to get things done, but I can't obviously trust a not-quite 2 year old to run around the house and stay out of trouble while mommy does laundry or dishes or fixes lunch/dinner... or heaven-forbid, take time to work on a creative project. Our yard is not fenced in so I can certainly not just let him loose outside. I do wish I could though. So my option to get anything accomplished is to barracade him in one room and let him be confined in monotony all day? That isn't much of an option. I hate it. I wish he napped better; his 45 minute to 1 hour (if I am lucky) naps once a day don't allow much time for anything. Especially when it takes me 30 minutes just to get him to fall asleep. I'm not a fan of the idea of letting him scream in his crib for 2 hours in hopes he will give up and go to sleep. He's never been able to fall asleep unassisted. I know I need to break that habit soon, but I just can't deal with the idea of him crying, literally sobbing, for two hours because he doesn't know why mama left him by himself in a dark room out of nowhere. And, housework be damned, I love cuddling with my little man. He's the best part of my days. So I have to snuggle him to sleep? If that means I can look at his calm, angelic face for a while, bring it on. But there is no denying it would be a good time to get things done and let me spend quality time playing with him while he is awake. Le sigh...
Little Miss has her very first school dance this afternoon. I hope she tells me all about it. I know she is starting to like boys, no matter what she says. I found a note in her backpack to a boy she likes. I wasn't snooping, not really anyway. I was going through her backpack after school, like I always have. And she stays with me so if I have any questions, she can answer them (like, What is this assignment? How did that test go? etc.). And I came across this note she had folded up with "To Drew" on it. I asked her about it and she got all flustered. It was really rather adorable. And her dad went to Back to School night last night with her and her mother. He said she was talking to some other students, including boys. I could tell he was a bit anxious about it. I hope as these next years progress and she becomes more and more interested in boys, having boyfriends, and so on, that we can ingrain in her self respect, modesty, and to be fearless in a sense. To not be afraid of saying no to things she is unsure about. To not be afraid of following the status quo if she doesn't believe in it. I am just personally so afraid that children are growing up younger and younger. I don't want her to give in to peer pressure. I just hope that we can teach her the right things before its too late. I hope as she grows, she makes good decisions. I hope she grows up with the confidence that she is beautiful and intelligent and worth peoples time.
It's so hard for girls to grow up thinking they are beautiful when societys ideas of beauty are totally ludicrous. With all the size 2 airbrushed waifs making 16 year old girls look 25, allowing young girls to believe that they have to be even thinner, dress scantily and wear a boatload of makeup to be deemed beautiful (and desireable) is outrageous. It boggles my mind that even "plus size" models are size 10 or 12 when the national average for women is actually a 14. And yet our social media is teaching the younger generations (mind included), that it is totally unacceptable to be that size. That the "norm" should be a 6 or some other difficult to attain number. The stress put on children to look a certain way is baffling and does serious damage to self esteem. And it isn't just girls either. Does every guy look like Brad Pitt or, a new trending leading man, Taylor Lautner? No. But they sure do make men think that they should. I can't argue that those men are not attractive. They are. But how many heavy set, short balding men are portrayed as the jetsetting lead man in a romance film or action movie? Why can this not be found attractive? It is to many women. And for that matter, why must looks be deemed so important? What happened to brains? Why doesn't our media pronounce how attractive intelligence is? Or kindness? Is that really incredible looking person across the way that good looking when they slap you across the face with some nasty words or just plain stupidity? Not so much. I'd like to think that people would begin to evaluate others based on values, common interests and good conversation rather than who looks good on their arm. I hope that I can teach my kids that.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Chronicles
Apparently I mixed my days up. Autumn does not begin until tomorrow. Really this time. We did get out a little yesterday and am hoping for more today. I was so unexplicably exhausted yesterday and grateful it was an early day home for my fiance. I was curled up in bed by 3pm.
Several weeks ago back in August, I quit my job at the bar that I was waitressing at one (slow) night per week. It was not financially beneficial at all considering I made zero dollars 95% of the time (literally, unfortunately). It took over 2 weeks for them to realize that I actually quit. I wrote an email to one owner and spoke with the other one face to face, said to both "I can no longer keep this commitment," and for some reason they expected me to show up to work. Awkward.... I was not taken seriously, nor was I ever paid (my measly $3 an hour) without having to ask for my money. Which was not solely my problem, but something that apparently the entire bar staff dealt with. In my opinion, it was pathetic, and I refused to subject myself to it anymore. Begging for my $16 a week. And it is bad if you are embarrassed by where you work. My full time job isn't ideal or in my career path, but it is a good decent job. But the owners wife asked me if I could work a shift as a favor for her and her friend for the friends surprise bridal shower. I actually have plans with the kids to go to a birthday party for my cousins son. I feel so bad saying "no" but that is what I did. I want to help, but I also don't want to let someone walk all over me. Not that she was, but that's how I feel I was treated at the job.
I have been trying to save a few papers each week. I am thinking of making a scrap book of sorts. Nothing extravagant. More like a note book. And take the major headlines and articles, or really the things of consequence, and paste them into the notebook so that The Bean can grow up and see what was going on, what the world was like, when he was young. I wish I had thought of this 2 years ago. I also wish I had started keeping a journal for him two years ago like I intended. But I haven't yet. I was thinking of starting on his 2nd birthday. But I don't really know why I am thinking of waiting to begin. I should just do it. I wanted to write a few things down each day about what we did together and how the day was. Maybe I should use this last month before his birthday to write to him about why I am writing a journal, why it took me two years to start, and what's been going on the last 23 months. I am so glad I posted as many pictures as I did on Facebook. His whole first six months of photos (over 1,000) were accidently deleted. I won't say by who, but it wasn't me. So I am glad that we have almost 400 pictures on there. I want to copy and move them to a more secure site. I guess just in case something happens to that website so I have a backup. I would also love to print out every photo I have so that I have a hard copy (which should not be surprising considering how untrusting of technology I am -yes, despite having a blog). I just wish it weren't so expensive. We probably have close to, if not more than, 10,000 photos. Yeah, it's a lot. And I want them all!
Quick note; I finished The Help tonight. I really enjoyed it and almost cried several times. It really makes you open your eyes and re-evaluate your relationships with other people, wondering if you treat them fairly... or unfairly for no good reason.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Several weeks ago back in August, I quit my job at the bar that I was waitressing at one (slow) night per week. It was not financially beneficial at all considering I made zero dollars 95% of the time (literally, unfortunately). It took over 2 weeks for them to realize that I actually quit. I wrote an email to one owner and spoke with the other one face to face, said to both "I can no longer keep this commitment," and for some reason they expected me to show up to work. Awkward.... I was not taken seriously, nor was I ever paid (my measly $3 an hour) without having to ask for my money. Which was not solely my problem, but something that apparently the entire bar staff dealt with. In my opinion, it was pathetic, and I refused to subject myself to it anymore. Begging for my $16 a week. And it is bad if you are embarrassed by where you work. My full time job isn't ideal or in my career path, but it is a good decent job. But the owners wife asked me if I could work a shift as a favor for her and her friend for the friends surprise bridal shower. I actually have plans with the kids to go to a birthday party for my cousins son. I feel so bad saying "no" but that is what I did. I want to help, but I also don't want to let someone walk all over me. Not that she was, but that's how I feel I was treated at the job.
I have been trying to save a few papers each week. I am thinking of making a scrap book of sorts. Nothing extravagant. More like a note book. And take the major headlines and articles, or really the things of consequence, and paste them into the notebook so that The Bean can grow up and see what was going on, what the world was like, when he was young. I wish I had thought of this 2 years ago. I also wish I had started keeping a journal for him two years ago like I intended. But I haven't yet. I was thinking of starting on his 2nd birthday. But I don't really know why I am thinking of waiting to begin. I should just do it. I wanted to write a few things down each day about what we did together and how the day was. Maybe I should use this last month before his birthday to write to him about why I am writing a journal, why it took me two years to start, and what's been going on the last 23 months. I am so glad I posted as many pictures as I did on Facebook. His whole first six months of photos (over 1,000) were accidently deleted. I won't say by who, but it wasn't me. So I am glad that we have almost 400 pictures on there. I want to copy and move them to a more secure site. I guess just in case something happens to that website so I have a backup. I would also love to print out every photo I have so that I have a hard copy (which should not be surprising considering how untrusting of technology I am -yes, despite having a blog). I just wish it weren't so expensive. We probably have close to, if not more than, 10,000 photos. Yeah, it's a lot. And I want them all!
Quick note; I finished The Help tonight. I really enjoyed it and almost cried several times. It really makes you open your eyes and re-evaluate your relationships with other people, wondering if you treat them fairly... or unfairly for no good reason.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Back on Track
Every now and then I feel like my life gets out of control, my head is spinning and I don't know which way to go first. It's nice to feel like I am getting back into my groove a little. Not that life isn't still chaotic, but as long as I am finding time to do the things I love (read, write, craft, play), then I feel really great. Last week was rough for some reason but this week seems a little calmer, so I am glad for that. I finally started on a project requested by my fiance's mom. I think I need to pick up something from Michael's for it though. And I am really hoping to get to the Fabric Mill this week. I want to see what they have and what their prices are like. I also came across another fabric store by my parents old house that I had never noticed before. So I am looking forward to checking them out as well sometime soon.
I went to a craft fair in Babylon this past Sunday with my fiance's mom and the kids. It was very large. I did not like the set up. There were so many vendors, which was great, but you had to walk around a lake twice if you wanted to see some of them because of the layout. But there were a lot of people, so it would be a good one to sign up for. Every booth we walked past had at least one customer going in or coming out. I came across several clothing vendors. A lot of knitting vendors. Just a few children's clothing vendors. There were two that I took particular interest in; one because everything looked really well done and one because it looked really tacky. So I have to be sure that when we are making these items, they do not look tacky. The one that was really well done, they actually handmade the whole outfit itself, sewing the fabric together and designing them. Which is not what we are doing. We are essentially giving boring bodysuits some pazzazz. I want to get moving on making more, but I only have a couple of bodysuits left and not much money to buy more supplies. With the kids' birthdays coming up and my younger brothers, then Christmas right around the corner, I don't know where I will get the money. I can still make some things happen though. Make some new appliques and then wait until I can get more bodysuits and some tshirts, then just add them on.
This weekend we are planning to go to my Aunt and Uncles house for dinner. It's my moms brother and I love seeing The Bean play with him. It's the closest I will ever get to seeing my mom play with him because I noticed for the first time a few ago how much he looks like my mom. I had to stop myself from crying. It was so touching, and yet so upsetting at the same time. I love being there and seeing them, but it's hard on me also because it reminds me that she isn't there. That The Bean will never know my mother or how much she would have loved him. What I wouldn't do to be able to give that to him. ... On Sunday we are going to my cousins' house for his sons 3rd birthday. I almost feel bad going because my cousin (on the other side of my family) just had his sons 3rd birthday party a few weeks ago and I couldn't go. Next weekend I plan on heading up to Newburgh/Middletown to see my best friend, go to an alumni weekend event at our college, and go apple and pumpkin picking with the kids. I am really looking forward to all of it. I wish I lived closer to her. We could be so beneficial to each other if we didn't live so far away. Instead of just listening to each other, we could physically go to each other all the time and literally help.. with the kids, cleaning, whatever. She needs me right now, too, and it breaks my heart that I can't drop everything and run over there like I used to be able to. So I hope the trip works out.
We are welcoming Autumn tomorrow and I am sure excited for it. I'd be even more excited if it weren't going to rain all week. But there is plenty of time left in the season to enjoy the beautiful weather. I know The Bean is going to love it. Today he kept telling me "Out! Out! Gene Out!" and "Shoes! Mama, shoes!" I felt so bad because it was raining and we couldn't go outside. I hope we can get out a bit tomorrow. My brother wants me to go with him in the morning to get a new car so we should have plenty of time for late morning/early afternoon sunshine and warmth, as long as Mother Nature cooperates. Fingers crossed.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
I went to a craft fair in Babylon this past Sunday with my fiance's mom and the kids. It was very large. I did not like the set up. There were so many vendors, which was great, but you had to walk around a lake twice if you wanted to see some of them because of the layout. But there were a lot of people, so it would be a good one to sign up for. Every booth we walked past had at least one customer going in or coming out. I came across several clothing vendors. A lot of knitting vendors. Just a few children's clothing vendors. There were two that I took particular interest in; one because everything looked really well done and one because it looked really tacky. So I have to be sure that when we are making these items, they do not look tacky. The one that was really well done, they actually handmade the whole outfit itself, sewing the fabric together and designing them. Which is not what we are doing. We are essentially giving boring bodysuits some pazzazz. I want to get moving on making more, but I only have a couple of bodysuits left and not much money to buy more supplies. With the kids' birthdays coming up and my younger brothers, then Christmas right around the corner, I don't know where I will get the money. I can still make some things happen though. Make some new appliques and then wait until I can get more bodysuits and some tshirts, then just add them on.
This weekend we are planning to go to my Aunt and Uncles house for dinner. It's my moms brother and I love seeing The Bean play with him. It's the closest I will ever get to seeing my mom play with him because I noticed for the first time a few ago how much he looks like my mom. I had to stop myself from crying. It was so touching, and yet so upsetting at the same time. I love being there and seeing them, but it's hard on me also because it reminds me that she isn't there. That The Bean will never know my mother or how much she would have loved him. What I wouldn't do to be able to give that to him. ... On Sunday we are going to my cousins' house for his sons 3rd birthday. I almost feel bad going because my cousin (on the other side of my family) just had his sons 3rd birthday party a few weeks ago and I couldn't go. Next weekend I plan on heading up to Newburgh/Middletown to see my best friend, go to an alumni weekend event at our college, and go apple and pumpkin picking with the kids. I am really looking forward to all of it. I wish I lived closer to her. We could be so beneficial to each other if we didn't live so far away. Instead of just listening to each other, we could physically go to each other all the time and literally help.. with the kids, cleaning, whatever. She needs me right now, too, and it breaks my heart that I can't drop everything and run over there like I used to be able to. So I hope the trip works out.
We are welcoming Autumn tomorrow and I am sure excited for it. I'd be even more excited if it weren't going to rain all week. But there is plenty of time left in the season to enjoy the beautiful weather. I know The Bean is going to love it. Today he kept telling me "Out! Out! Gene Out!" and "Shoes! Mama, shoes!" I felt so bad because it was raining and we couldn't go outside. I hope we can get out a bit tomorrow. My brother wants me to go with him in the morning to get a new car so we should have plenty of time for late morning/early afternoon sunshine and warmth, as long as Mother Nature cooperates. Fingers crossed.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Monday, September 19, 2011
Caught Up
I felt like something was missing. I simply could not find the time to write this whole past week. I did not even realize it had been a week until I got onto the computer. I have hardly even used the computer since my last post. There was so much to be done this last week. It's so funny how sometimes time seems to move so slowly, and at the same time, so quickly. I was just changing the date for work earlier and thought "Wow! Halfway through September already!" It's just astonishing.
This week I (in no particular order) finished an embroidered wall hanging for part of my friends wedding gift, picked out songs for a mix cd as another part of their gift, visited the craft store to pick up supplies, cooked pretty much every meal every day, ironed, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, played with The Bean, worked, attended a lovely wedding (where we spent a good portion of the night running around after The Bean and checking in on Little Miss and the friend she made), celebrated my fiance's cousins birthday, visited my grandmother and uncle, hung out with my brother twice, went to a tag sale and visited with my girlfriend, got a few hours of sleep and *deep breath*... I think that about covers it. Hello, run-on sentence. My, oh my, it was a busy week.
In more detail, our friend from an old job got married on Saturday. She was absolutely stunning. Literally breathtaking. And she was just glowing from happiness. I am so happy for her, too. It's so wonderful when you are able to see your friends so happy. Her husband is very nice. I've met him twice, both times briefly. But he just seems to adore her. He seems down to earth and funny.
And before we left, he twirled me around the dance floor a few times. Which, to be honest, is always awkward for me because I have minimal rhythm and no dancing ability at all! Regardless, it was fun and a very nice time. We gave them two gifts from the heart, along with a monetary gift as well. But the handmade gifts were so much better. My fiance loves to make mix cds, so we complied our favorite unconvential love songs. And one of my favorite crafts is embroidery. So I made them a wall hanging of two pears with the line "We're a pair" under them and their wedding date. It came out really cute. I got the design from http://www.urbandthreads.com/. I love this site.
The tag sale was something my grandmother told me about. It was at her church. She gave me a flyer and it said that everything was brand new and still had tags on it, and everything was $1. There was no way I could pass that up. And I couldn't go without telling my good friend about it. So we met up there as soon as they opened in hopes of getting the best grabs. Well, we certainly were shocked when we got there before they even opened and saw the hoard of people inside ravaging through the items which, apparently, were only mens clothes size large and up. What a severe disappointment. And at that, it was poorly set up and very very small. It was supposed to be two days, but I didn't know how they were going to have enough items for the second day. We were there for 20 minutes and it seemed almost everything was already gone. That being said, all the items were new and everything was only $1. I got Jay 10 sweaters and she got her husband 4 or 5 things including a nice summer blazer. Originally I was considering going both days but changed my mind upon arrival on the first day. Outside of the lack of options, those people were vultures! I could hardly believe their behavior. This is why I could never survive Black Friday. Though I do still wonder if they had different items on the second day. Oh well.
Speaking of Black Friday, can you believe that some stores already have Christmas items up? Some even since August! Which serves its purpose in making you realize that you need to start holiday shopping soon. I enjoy getting my holiday presents early to alleviate stress, but it does seem that they offer such good deals during the holidays so it almost pays to wait. I can't figure out which is better. Way in advance, or last minute. On the topic of gifts, Little Miss and The Bean's birthdays are in 4 weeks. Little Miss finally mentioned something she wants for her birthday. And wouldn't you know, I can't remember what she said. And I think we may get The Bean a tricycle or one of those attachments for the front of our bikes so we can all go on bike rides.
My last entry was about my father. I haven't spoken to him since, unfortunately. It is difficult to get in touch with him and he told me his phone was out of minutes as well, but I haven't called either. I have been doing a lot of thinking about him, his situation and my situation. I feel obligated to step up and do something. He is my father after all. I honestly cannot think of another way to help him other than moving up there. I spoke with a few people I trust to get some feedback. And the unanimous response was that I am not responsible for him and that he has to help himself. I cannot fix his situation and should actually NOT help him so that he can learn to take care of himself. The truth is, he has never taken care of himself. For nearly 30 years, my mother took care of him. And with her gone, he doesn't know what to do. In theory, I wouldn't mind moving closer to him. Maybe have an agreement with him about watching The Bean so I could work and paying him for his time. It would not only help build a relationship between the two of them, and our relationship as well, but also help him financially. And it would help me because then I wouldn't have to worry about pre-school/day care. I wouldn't want to settle there, but there are some affordable housing options and some good jobs nearby. I do prefer upstate over Long Island. But... all of this is in theory. And if I don't plan on settling there, it almost seems like a waste of time, money and effort since, when we do move where we want to settle, all of it will be for naught. Put in the situation, I don't know that it would be nearly as picture perfect as it sounds. And it's not that I expect life to be picture perfect. But my dad and I don't usually get along when we see each other often. I can't imagine it going well for very long. So I've entertained the idea for about a week, and will keep it in the back of my mind, but I think the chances of it happening are slim to none. My cousin had an idea to get him to start a bank account and then my brothers and myself could each deposit say $25 a month to help him out. I would do it, though I don't know about my brothers, but I can't trust my dad to spend it wisely. So I am extremely apprehensive about just giving him money. For fathers day I had attempted to give him a gift card to his local supermarket, but it never came in the mail. I am thinking of maybe just sending him food here and there, if he would ever give me his mailing address.
On a more positive note, I am doing more reading. And I have several books on my list to read. Right now I am reading The Help. I saw a preview for the movie and desperately wanted to read the book. I was so busy the last couple of days that I didn't have any chance to read and I felt like another piece was missing. Between not writing for a week and not reading for a few days, my life is off track. There are so many things I want to do, but I can't squeeze it in. I need to make something by special request from Jay's mom for Jay's cousins son. She asked me weeks ago and I still haven't started. Yikes! But how can I work, write, read and sew at the same time? Forget about trying to get anything done when I am home. I am lucky if I can do the dishes or some laundry while it's just me and The Bean. I have to fight the urge to nap with him in order to get anything done; and I could really use those naps considering I don't get more than a couple of hours of sleep a night. And I do adore snuggling him and watching him sleep. He is so beautiful. It really makes me so happy just to look at him, especially when he is peaceful. He is such a funny kid, too. I laugh so much with him. Honest laughter, too. Which is so nice. I love being able to be myself all the time with him. He's not looking to be impressed. He just loves being with me, which is really what makes my world turn.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
This week I (in no particular order) finished an embroidered wall hanging for part of my friends wedding gift, picked out songs for a mix cd as another part of their gift, visited the craft store to pick up supplies, cooked pretty much every meal every day, ironed, cleaned, cleaned, cleaned, played with The Bean, worked, attended a lovely wedding (where we spent a good portion of the night running around after The Bean and checking in on Little Miss and the friend she made), celebrated my fiance's cousins birthday, visited my grandmother and uncle, hung out with my brother twice, went to a tag sale and visited with my girlfriend, got a few hours of sleep and *deep breath*... I think that about covers it. Hello, run-on sentence. My, oh my, it was a busy week.
In more detail, our friend from an old job got married on Saturday. She was absolutely stunning. Literally breathtaking. And she was just glowing from happiness. I am so happy for her, too. It's so wonderful when you are able to see your friends so happy. Her husband is very nice. I've met him twice, both times briefly. But he just seems to adore her. He seems down to earth and funny.
The tag sale was something my grandmother told me about. It was at her church. She gave me a flyer and it said that everything was brand new and still had tags on it, and everything was $1. There was no way I could pass that up. And I couldn't go without telling my good friend about it. So we met up there as soon as they opened in hopes of getting the best grabs. Well, we certainly were shocked when we got there before they even opened and saw the hoard of people inside ravaging through the items which, apparently, were only mens clothes size large and up. What a severe disappointment. And at that, it was poorly set up and very very small. It was supposed to be two days, but I didn't know how they were going to have enough items for the second day. We were there for 20 minutes and it seemed almost everything was already gone. That being said, all the items were new and everything was only $1. I got Jay 10 sweaters and she got her husband 4 or 5 things including a nice summer blazer. Originally I was considering going both days but changed my mind upon arrival on the first day. Outside of the lack of options, those people were vultures! I could hardly believe their behavior. This is why I could never survive Black Friday. Though I do still wonder if they had different items on the second day. Oh well.
Speaking of Black Friday, can you believe that some stores already have Christmas items up? Some even since August! Which serves its purpose in making you realize that you need to start holiday shopping soon. I enjoy getting my holiday presents early to alleviate stress, but it does seem that they offer such good deals during the holidays so it almost pays to wait. I can't figure out which is better. Way in advance, or last minute. On the topic of gifts, Little Miss and The Bean's birthdays are in 4 weeks. Little Miss finally mentioned something she wants for her birthday. And wouldn't you know, I can't remember what she said. And I think we may get The Bean a tricycle or one of those attachments for the front of our bikes so we can all go on bike rides.
My last entry was about my father. I haven't spoken to him since, unfortunately. It is difficult to get in touch with him and he told me his phone was out of minutes as well, but I haven't called either. I have been doing a lot of thinking about him, his situation and my situation. I feel obligated to step up and do something. He is my father after all. I honestly cannot think of another way to help him other than moving up there. I spoke with a few people I trust to get some feedback. And the unanimous response was that I am not responsible for him and that he has to help himself. I cannot fix his situation and should actually NOT help him so that he can learn to take care of himself. The truth is, he has never taken care of himself. For nearly 30 years, my mother took care of him. And with her gone, he doesn't know what to do. In theory, I wouldn't mind moving closer to him. Maybe have an agreement with him about watching The Bean so I could work and paying him for his time. It would not only help build a relationship between the two of them, and our relationship as well, but also help him financially. And it would help me because then I wouldn't have to worry about pre-school/day care. I wouldn't want to settle there, but there are some affordable housing options and some good jobs nearby. I do prefer upstate over Long Island. But... all of this is in theory. And if I don't plan on settling there, it almost seems like a waste of time, money and effort since, when we do move where we want to settle, all of it will be for naught. Put in the situation, I don't know that it would be nearly as picture perfect as it sounds. And it's not that I expect life to be picture perfect. But my dad and I don't usually get along when we see each other often. I can't imagine it going well for very long. So I've entertained the idea for about a week, and will keep it in the back of my mind, but I think the chances of it happening are slim to none. My cousin had an idea to get him to start a bank account and then my brothers and myself could each deposit say $25 a month to help him out. I would do it, though I don't know about my brothers, but I can't trust my dad to spend it wisely. So I am extremely apprehensive about just giving him money. For fathers day I had attempted to give him a gift card to his local supermarket, but it never came in the mail. I am thinking of maybe just sending him food here and there, if he would ever give me his mailing address.
On a more positive note, I am doing more reading. And I have several books on my list to read. Right now I am reading The Help. I saw a preview for the movie and desperately wanted to read the book. I was so busy the last couple of days that I didn't have any chance to read and I felt like another piece was missing. Between not writing for a week and not reading for a few days, my life is off track. There are so many things I want to do, but I can't squeeze it in. I need to make something by special request from Jay's mom for Jay's cousins son. She asked me weeks ago and I still haven't started. Yikes! But how can I work, write, read and sew at the same time? Forget about trying to get anything done when I am home. I am lucky if I can do the dishes or some laundry while it's just me and The Bean. I have to fight the urge to nap with him in order to get anything done; and I could really use those naps considering I don't get more than a couple of hours of sleep a night. And I do adore snuggling him and watching him sleep. He is so beautiful. It really makes me so happy just to look at him, especially when he is peaceful. He is such a funny kid, too. I laugh so much with him. Honest laughter, too. Which is so nice. I love being able to be myself all the time with him. He's not looking to be impressed. He just loves being with me, which is really what makes my world turn.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Monday, September 12, 2011
Fathers and Daughters
I've never considered myself a daddy's girl. Maybe I was when I was little, but the only happy memory I have with my father as a young girl is a camping trip we took. I have few other memories and most are not good. I do also remember the first time he got me to eat a tuna sandwich... by toasting the bread. I remember being shocked by how delicious it was, and being so excited about it. I felt like such a grown up because I thought only grown ups would like tunafish.
Growing up I looked down on my dad. I thought he was a failure. He didn't seem to take care of his family. He drank a lot, smoked a lot of cigarettes, and yelled... a lot. It made it difficult to like him. So I didn't. For a long time. Then I moved out for college and I thought things were getting better. Both of my parents seemed happier. All three of us were grown teenagers, my brothers and myself. I actually would speak to my dad briefly here and there while I was away and even when I was home. Things seemed to be getting better. Then mom got sick. Then she got worse and I moved home. Then the trouble started with Dad again. We just don't seem to get along. We fought. And when mom passed away, we fought more. I tried to be understanding. And I tried to be supportive. But I wonder if I didn't do enough. For both my father as well as my mother when she were alive. I feel like I should have and could have done more. My Dad lost the house he and my mom bought together. Then he moved away to some town in the middle of nowhere.
He called me last night while I should have been sleeping, even though I wasn't. And we've been trying to touch base for a few days. So I answered. He sounded a bit inebriated. But he was so upset. I've only known my father to cry maybe 4 times in my life. Once when my grandfather (his dad) passed. And then surrounding my mom and the time of her death. He was so upset because he misses us. He is lonely up there. Which we expected to happen. But I didn't expect him to call me crying one day. It was really incredibly upsetting. One of the first times I can recall ever crying about my dad in a sad way, without being mad at him. He also barely works and can't feed himself. Now I feel obligated to do something to help him. We were considering moving anyway, so maybe moving closer to him, even temporarily, is an option. There are cities/towns nearby (30 minutes or so away from him) that would offer job opportunities and decent housing. But then that would mean considering moving 5 hours from my stepdaughter. I don't know if I can make that decision. And I don't know if I can ask or expect Jay to make it either. Even though we both know eventually we have to move off of LI since it's too expensive for us. It just seems.... like our options aren't very good ones. None of them would work out so everyone is happy. And that is what I want; for everyone to be happy.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Growing up I looked down on my dad. I thought he was a failure. He didn't seem to take care of his family. He drank a lot, smoked a lot of cigarettes, and yelled... a lot. It made it difficult to like him. So I didn't. For a long time. Then I moved out for college and I thought things were getting better. Both of my parents seemed happier. All three of us were grown teenagers, my brothers and myself. I actually would speak to my dad briefly here and there while I was away and even when I was home. Things seemed to be getting better. Then mom got sick. Then she got worse and I moved home. Then the trouble started with Dad again. We just don't seem to get along. We fought. And when mom passed away, we fought more. I tried to be understanding. And I tried to be supportive. But I wonder if I didn't do enough. For both my father as well as my mother when she were alive. I feel like I should have and could have done more. My Dad lost the house he and my mom bought together. Then he moved away to some town in the middle of nowhere.
He called me last night while I should have been sleeping, even though I wasn't. And we've been trying to touch base for a few days. So I answered. He sounded a bit inebriated. But he was so upset. I've only known my father to cry maybe 4 times in my life. Once when my grandfather (his dad) passed. And then surrounding my mom and the time of her death. He was so upset because he misses us. He is lonely up there. Which we expected to happen. But I didn't expect him to call me crying one day. It was really incredibly upsetting. One of the first times I can recall ever crying about my dad in a sad way, without being mad at him. He also barely works and can't feed himself. Now I feel obligated to do something to help him. We were considering moving anyway, so maybe moving closer to him, even temporarily, is an option. There are cities/towns nearby (30 minutes or so away from him) that would offer job opportunities and decent housing. But then that would mean considering moving 5 hours from my stepdaughter. I don't know if I can make that decision. And I don't know if I can ask or expect Jay to make it either. Even though we both know eventually we have to move off of LI since it's too expensive for us. It just seems.... like our options aren't very good ones. None of them would work out so everyone is happy. And that is what I want; for everyone to be happy.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Sunday, September 11, 2011
10 Years Later
Today marked what was the most influential moment in my generations history. It is the 10 year anniversary of the September 11th World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. I was a freshman in college when the Twin Towers fell. I remember coming back to my dorm room and seeing a lot of the other girls in a common area watching tv. I went to see what was going on and we watched the news in disbelief for hours. I grew up on Long Island, visited NYC countless times as a teenager, and was going to college an hour north of Manhattan. Just a couple of weeks into our first year, the college was just minutes away from a National Air Force Base. It took many years to not be scared of those huge military planes flying so low overhead. I consider myself so very lucky that I did not know anyone who lost or gave their life that terrible day. But so many others did. The people working in the Towers, the NYCPD, FDNY and EMTs and so many more. NYC wasn't the only responders. Help was called in from all over. So many lives are gone and so many families and friends affected. We watched a memorial this morning with my step daughter. They were mostly reading the names of those who passed away. And it was family members of some of those people reading. They had an opportunity to say something about who they lost. I could barely sit through an hour of it. I kept crying. It was touching. And it really makes you think about what happened; where would those people be today. I feel like I have begun to fully grasp what happened more and more as I've grown. I was 18 when it happened. I think I was really unaware of how one single day could change everything. And now I just think about what I would do if I were in that situation. How would I feel? I try to empathize. But honestly, I can't imagine what some of these people are dealing with. They must be some of the strongest people to deal with this tragedy effecting their lives every single day. My heart and thoughts go out to all the families and friends of those who were lost on that horrific day.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Peace & Love,
Emily
Friday, September 9, 2011
Self-importance
I wish I were more insightful. More inspirational/motivational. What does this blog do other than get my thoughts written out in front of me. I censor what I write on here anyway, so it's not as if I can be totally open and get everything off my chest. I read other blogs and love how some of the authors write and their insights and what they think and how they design. And maybe I'm just not quite there yet. Maybe it's because I just started writing. But I want to be more of the person I feel like I am, instead of just saying I am this type of person and not acting like it. Sure, I love the idea of living green and being eco-friendly and only buying local, etc. But those things are expensive and I can't afford it. I'd love to volunteer at soup kitchens or nursing homes or something like that, but saying I want to, and doing it are totally different. I quoted Ghandi the other day to my fiance saying "Be the change you wish to see in the world" and when he walked away, I felt like the biggest hipocrite because I am not doing that. I am finding all this time to be self-important and worry about my little circle. But in all of that time, I am not able to figure out where I can spend some of it having a positive effect on my society. I think this is such a problem. I need to make commitments to things bigger than myself and my family. How can I teach the importance of helping others without actually doing it? I want to DO something important with my life. I want to be able to look back and say, "Wow! I really helped a lot of people." I want to feel ... confident. Fulfilled.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Time for changes
There are so many things that keep me up at night. From thinking about how bad I feel that we have so much stuff taking over my future in-laws house because there isn't really enough room (and how I can hardly wait to have our own space again); to being grateful that there is at least a roof over the kids' heads; to wondering how my step-daughters first day of middle school went; to how The Bean's arm is feeling; to thinking about what his new doctor will be like. Then I try to turn it all off and think of something serene and I try to imagine a beach. So I start thinking of sitting on a beach with no one around, then the beach suddenly is bright with sun and blue water and has palm trees and children laughing. So I try harder to imagine the calm beach and then it turns gray and cold and windy and I am imagining myself sitting there wondering 'why am I just sitting here when there is so much to be done?!' I try to imagine my sons face, then it becomes Piglets face (for some unbeknownst reason), which turns into one of those scary elephants from the Winnie the Pooh movie from my childhood, and then it turns into a dragon. I am forced to shake my head to get the images out and think to myself 'what the heck?' Why can't I just clear my mind and get some sleep. I think about all of the things I would like to get done each day and wonder why I just can't find the time. I can't seem to make the time. They aren't things that are in dire need of being done, but I would feel accomplished if they were. I feel so incredibly jealous of my friends who are able to lean on their parents for support. My mother passed away 3 and a half years ago and I just tend to think about how much help she would have been. Since then, my father has been seriously lacking in the father/grandfather department as he's moved away and, essentially, out of touch. There would have been no question about who would watch the kids when I needed. And I highly doubt she would ever have let me choose to work an overnight job. I see my friends and collegues doing so much for themselves and their families and I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water.
I think to myself "how do they have time?" And I notice that most of them are working regular jobs and/or going to school while their parents watch the kids. In general I am not used to relying on people. And don't get my wrong, my in-laws do help out and keep and eye on one or both of the kids for an hour here or there. But they both work 40+ hours a week. I couldn't possibly ask much more of them than what they are already doing for us.
Maybe I just have to bite the bullet and start signing up for school for the summer 2012. Hopefully get The Bean into the college's daycare program. The school is a full two year commitment, which would mean a full commitment to living in one room at my in-laws for another 3 years. I don't think that that is ideal for anyone. But if I were to sign up for school, I wouldn't want to move part way through. What a waste of time and money. And if I am in school and working a part time job at night, how am I going to afford to move into another place anyway. So do I go back to school, or just keep on working for now to pay off the bills and try to get ahead, and hope that it happens within a year. I was hoping to be on our feet and out well before Christmas. I just don't see it happening anymore.
I've been trying to fill out the application for the ooctye donation, but there is a lot of family history that I am not sure of and need to find out. I feel like if I had an opportunity to do that, it would not only make me feel really good about myself and doing something for others in my community, but it would alleviate a large financial burden as well. With the progress I am currently making on my bills, it would pay nearly everything off, outside of my student loan. Then I could concentrate on other things, like my hospital debt and my fiance's debt. I would like to visit with my grandmother this week. I spoke with her about two weeks ago, but haven't seen her in months. She's being so lovely and letting us store much of our belongings in my grandfathers old downstairs workshop.I know she could help me with my family history. And my aunt and uncle on my mothers side, I'm sure, would be happy to answer any questions about that side. My brother told me the other day that our last name was changed at Ellis Island. We are both curious about what it used to be.
I generally re-read what I write weeks after I actually write it. I hardly ever review anything immediately. Every time I do look it over straight away, I have the same feelings about what I've written. But when I go back and look, it certainly seems that I complain an awful lot. And even though I try to be positive, my pessimism tends to shine through. What drab writing.
Thank you for reading and for your support.
Peace & love,
Emily
I think to myself "how do they have time?" And I notice that most of them are working regular jobs and/or going to school while their parents watch the kids. In general I am not used to relying on people. And don't get my wrong, my in-laws do help out and keep and eye on one or both of the kids for an hour here or there. But they both work 40+ hours a week. I couldn't possibly ask much more of them than what they are already doing for us.
Maybe I just have to bite the bullet and start signing up for school for the summer 2012. Hopefully get The Bean into the college's daycare program. The school is a full two year commitment, which would mean a full commitment to living in one room at my in-laws for another 3 years. I don't think that that is ideal for anyone. But if I were to sign up for school, I wouldn't want to move part way through. What a waste of time and money. And if I am in school and working a part time job at night, how am I going to afford to move into another place anyway. So do I go back to school, or just keep on working for now to pay off the bills and try to get ahead, and hope that it happens within a year. I was hoping to be on our feet and out well before Christmas. I just don't see it happening anymore.
I've been trying to fill out the application for the ooctye donation, but there is a lot of family history that I am not sure of and need to find out. I feel like if I had an opportunity to do that, it would not only make me feel really good about myself and doing something for others in my community, but it would alleviate a large financial burden as well. With the progress I am currently making on my bills, it would pay nearly everything off, outside of my student loan. Then I could concentrate on other things, like my hospital debt and my fiance's debt. I would like to visit with my grandmother this week. I spoke with her about two weeks ago, but haven't seen her in months. She's being so lovely and letting us store much of our belongings in my grandfathers old downstairs workshop.I know she could help me with my family history. And my aunt and uncle on my mothers side, I'm sure, would be happy to answer any questions about that side. My brother told me the other day that our last name was changed at Ellis Island. We are both curious about what it used to be.
I generally re-read what I write weeks after I actually write it. I hardly ever review anything immediately. Every time I do look it over straight away, I have the same feelings about what I've written. But when I go back and look, it certainly seems that I complain an awful lot. And even though I try to be positive, my pessimism tends to shine through. What drab writing.
Thank you for reading and for your support.
Peace & love,
Emily
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Labor Day Weekend
Due to absolutely no effort on my part, I accidentally came across my old blog from when I was making my son baby food. Interested? Here is the link: http://babyfoodingadventures.blogspot.com/
This was a weekend like I never expected. I traded shifts with my fellow night auditor to work his Friday and Saturday and he worked my Sunday and Monday. I've been having trouble lately getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep each night before work. So by Sunday morning after my shift, I was beat. I got home at about 7:45am and spent a little while with my boys and some time wrapping presents. At about 9am or so I went upstairs to get some rest before my fiance's birthday bar-b-que.
About 20 minutes later he comes upstairs with my son screaming in his arms and tells me he fell into a fire pit and burned his arm. The fire pit hadn't been used in a few days and there was a sprinkler on in the area, so I guess no one expected any embers to still be hot. I guess they were wrong. So I sat up, took a deep breath and asked for him so I could snuggle him and see the damage. He was crying so hard and I couldn't do anything to help. His dad and grandma had put ointment on him and I didn't know what to do. His dad said he would try to put him down for a nap so that he could rest since, on top of getting hurt, he had gotten up extra early and was very tired. Less than a minute later, they come back in and tell me that he needs to go to the hospital. So we get ourselves together as quickly as possible and head over to the ER, where the three of us spent the rest of the morning. My poor little guy screaming and crying in pain almost the whole time. We gave him infant tylenol before leaving the house and it didn't help. They gave us some ice and saline solution and said to keep cold gauze on his arm to take away heat. He hated it so much. The nurse gave him children's tylenol after what seemed like ages. And eventually the doctor decided to give him a shot of morphine. I think I felt my heart break as my poor little angel writhed and screamed out in agony in my arms. I cried with him for a little while. His dad and I took turns trying to comfort him and a nice janitor turned the television to cartoons, which distracted him briefly from time to time. He eventually fell asleep on my chest. Of course, that is when the doctor decided was a good time to put cream on his arm and wrap it up. So he woke him up after such a brief nap and then we were allowed to leave. The ER doctor wanted us to followup with his pediatrician today. Since we just got new insurance a couple of weeks ago and I spent the last week researching different doctors, I hadn't had a chance to meet with anyone yet. I had chosen a doctor who had terrific reviews, was very close and was supposed to be accepting new patients. As it turned out, they were only accepting newborns as new patients. I was so disappointed. So I went back online, did some more research, found an even better website than I used last time, called around, found someone who also had great reviews, accepted our insurance and wasn't too far; and she could see him tomorrow. Thank goodness. I hope that she is good. I am really looking forward to finding a pediatrician for Gene that really knows him and he can go to for a long time.
After we left the hospital we got some lunch, picked up his sister to celebrate their dads birthday and headed home. My fiance opened his presents and loved them. We got him a couple of shirts, a new hat, some slippers and a new cookbook. His parents and brother chipped in for a gift card so he could put it towards a new laptop. It was his 30th birthday. Since The Bean had calmed down, I was able to lay down for a little while and get some sleep. I slept for about 2-3 hours and joined the bbq. The rest of the day seemed to go pretty well. We called it a night pretty early and left the few remaining guests with the rest of the family to continue the fun and games.
The following day I was able to spend most of it catching up on sleep. I got up to help with our nephew who spent the night and then we hung out and enjoyed the day. The Bean went down for a nap and his dad and I decided it was a good time to lay down, too. So we went upstairs and took a nap also. When The Bean woke up, his dad got up with him and I was able to sleep until 9:00 at night! I got up for a couple of hours and went back to sleep until this morning, to my surprise really. We woke up, got dressed and went to see my step-daughter off for her first day of middle school. When her dad and I first met, she was just 6 years old. And now she is in the sixth grade! Amazing how time just seems to get passed you. She'll be 11 in less than 6 weeks!
Thanks for reading.
Peace & love,
Emily
This was a weekend like I never expected. I traded shifts with my fellow night auditor to work his Friday and Saturday and he worked my Sunday and Monday. I've been having trouble lately getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep each night before work. So by Sunday morning after my shift, I was beat. I got home at about 7:45am and spent a little while with my boys and some time wrapping presents. At about 9am or so I went upstairs to get some rest before my fiance's birthday bar-b-que.
About 20 minutes later he comes upstairs with my son screaming in his arms and tells me he fell into a fire pit and burned his arm. The fire pit hadn't been used in a few days and there was a sprinkler on in the area, so I guess no one expected any embers to still be hot. I guess they were wrong. So I sat up, took a deep breath and asked for him so I could snuggle him and see the damage. He was crying so hard and I couldn't do anything to help. His dad and grandma had put ointment on him and I didn't know what to do. His dad said he would try to put him down for a nap so that he could rest since, on top of getting hurt, he had gotten up extra early and was very tired. Less than a minute later, they come back in and tell me that he needs to go to the hospital. So we get ourselves together as quickly as possible and head over to the ER, where the three of us spent the rest of the morning. My poor little guy screaming and crying in pain almost the whole time. We gave him infant tylenol before leaving the house and it didn't help. They gave us some ice and saline solution and said to keep cold gauze on his arm to take away heat. He hated it so much. The nurse gave him children's tylenol after what seemed like ages. And eventually the doctor decided to give him a shot of morphine. I think I felt my heart break as my poor little angel writhed and screamed out in agony in my arms. I cried with him for a little while. His dad and I took turns trying to comfort him and a nice janitor turned the television to cartoons, which distracted him briefly from time to time. He eventually fell asleep on my chest. Of course, that is when the doctor decided was a good time to put cream on his arm and wrap it up. So he woke him up after such a brief nap and then we were allowed to leave. The ER doctor wanted us to followup with his pediatrician today. Since we just got new insurance a couple of weeks ago and I spent the last week researching different doctors, I hadn't had a chance to meet with anyone yet. I had chosen a doctor who had terrific reviews, was very close and was supposed to be accepting new patients. As it turned out, they were only accepting newborns as new patients. I was so disappointed. So I went back online, did some more research, found an even better website than I used last time, called around, found someone who also had great reviews, accepted our insurance and wasn't too far; and she could see him tomorrow. Thank goodness. I hope that she is good. I am really looking forward to finding a pediatrician for Gene that really knows him and he can go to for a long time.
After we left the hospital we got some lunch, picked up his sister to celebrate their dads birthday and headed home. My fiance opened his presents and loved them. We got him a couple of shirts, a new hat, some slippers and a new cookbook. His parents and brother chipped in for a gift card so he could put it towards a new laptop. It was his 30th birthday. Since The Bean had calmed down, I was able to lay down for a little while and get some sleep. I slept for about 2-3 hours and joined the bbq. The rest of the day seemed to go pretty well. We called it a night pretty early and left the few remaining guests with the rest of the family to continue the fun and games.
The following day I was able to spend most of it catching up on sleep. I got up to help with our nephew who spent the night and then we hung out and enjoyed the day. The Bean went down for a nap and his dad and I decided it was a good time to lay down, too. So we went upstairs and took a nap also. When The Bean woke up, his dad got up with him and I was able to sleep until 9:00 at night! I got up for a couple of hours and went back to sleep until this morning, to my surprise really. We woke up, got dressed and went to see my step-daughter off for her first day of middle school. When her dad and I first met, she was just 6 years old. And now she is in the sixth grade! Amazing how time just seems to get passed you. She'll be 11 in less than 6 weeks!
Thanks for reading.
Peace & love,
Emily
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Saturday Night Fever
Technically it's now Sunday. But I switched shifts with my coworker for this weekend so I am off a bit. I worked Friday and tonight instead of Sunday-Monday. I'm working 16 days straight and am ready to collapse. I don't mind working relentlessly, but the hours are killing me. I love being able to take advantage of free time during the days with the kids, but lately I feel like they have been unproductive because I am lacking energy.
Today is my fiance's 30th birthday. *Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!* He is throwing a BBQ at his parents house today. I told him that I would bake something; he wants a cheesecake with caramel. Cheesecake is so easy. I love it. I just have to find the time since I am hoping to get some sleep, too. We have both been cranky lately and I think we each need a break from the rigors of our daily lives, even briefly. Celebrating his birthday should bring some joy and fun that we seem to be missing lately.
One of my girlfriends and I are trying to start a bit of a business selling homemade childrens clothing. We have different ideas, but I think we can make it work. I've made a few prototypes already. I am trying to utilize my current crafting abilities instead of learning new ones. I have never knitted or crocheted in my life, and while I would love to learn, I feel like this opportunity may not be the best time. So I'm trying to tap into my creative mind flow and come up with cute ideas. I love embroidery, but we may hold off on some more time-consuming projects until we get more situated. I came up with a few cute shirts, including ones with bicycle designs, pocket handkerchiefs, bowties, skirts and bows, alphabet fun, and other handmade appliques. We have yet to come up with a catchy name that we both like that isn't already taken. I'd love to start attending crafts fairs by spring time. Hopefully I can get some energy back into my system so I can get some things accomplished.
I'm still working on this 22 page application for the oocyte donation. It looks like I am going to have to inquire with some family members about our family history. I am the worst liar on the face of the planet, so if anyone asks what I need it for and wants an elaborated explanation, I'm going to end up telling them. And it's not that I am ashamed of it. It's that I know a lot of people won't understand and disagree with my decision. And I don't care that much if people disagree; but I need people who will support me, not bring me down in this. So I would rather not tell people if I can avoid it. Maybe it's more that I am not used to leaning on people for support and am afraid that if I give them a chance, they won't live up to it and I will be even more disappointed. Maybe I don't give people enough credit.
Thanks for checking up.
Peace & love,
Emily
Today is my fiance's 30th birthday. *Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!* He is throwing a BBQ at his parents house today. I told him that I would bake something; he wants a cheesecake with caramel. Cheesecake is so easy. I love it. I just have to find the time since I am hoping to get some sleep, too. We have both been cranky lately and I think we each need a break from the rigors of our daily lives, even briefly. Celebrating his birthday should bring some joy and fun that we seem to be missing lately.
One of my girlfriends and I are trying to start a bit of a business selling homemade childrens clothing. We have different ideas, but I think we can make it work. I've made a few prototypes already. I am trying to utilize my current crafting abilities instead of learning new ones. I have never knitted or crocheted in my life, and while I would love to learn, I feel like this opportunity may not be the best time. So I'm trying to tap into my creative mind flow and come up with cute ideas. I love embroidery, but we may hold off on some more time-consuming projects until we get more situated. I came up with a few cute shirts, including ones with bicycle designs, pocket handkerchiefs, bowties, skirts and bows, alphabet fun, and other handmade appliques. We have yet to come up with a catchy name that we both like that isn't already taken. I'd love to start attending crafts fairs by spring time. Hopefully I can get some energy back into my system so I can get some things accomplished.
I'm still working on this 22 page application for the oocyte donation. It looks like I am going to have to inquire with some family members about our family history. I am the worst liar on the face of the planet, so if anyone asks what I need it for and wants an elaborated explanation, I'm going to end up telling them. And it's not that I am ashamed of it. It's that I know a lot of people won't understand and disagree with my decision. And I don't care that much if people disagree; but I need people who will support me, not bring me down in this. So I would rather not tell people if I can avoid it. Maybe it's more that I am not used to leaning on people for support and am afraid that if I give them a chance, they won't live up to it and I will be even more disappointed. Maybe I don't give people enough credit.
Thanks for checking up.
Peace & love,
Emily
Friday, September 2, 2011
"Other Things"
In my last post, I didn't really have an opportunity to write about anything other than Hurricane Irene.
The next day we woke up to a rainy parking lot and decided to venture out for breakfast at Dunkin Donuts. While we ate our bagels, the sky opened up and it began to pour. My fiance thought we should go to Great Adventure anyway, in case it was clearer over there, since it was about 40 minutes Southwest of where we were staying. When we got there it was still raining, but we were able to go through the Wild Safari, which was very cool. We loved the giraffes, which were licking all of the water off of cars as they drove by.
We watched as one lioness showed another who was boss.
We got back to the hotel as it start to storm again. So we ran inside, leaving the bags behind in the car. Got changed and decided having dinner at the hotel was the best idea.
Two weeks ago, my fiance and I took a few days off and, after saving for more than a year, took the kids on a mini vacation to New Jersey. We went stayed in Princeton, which is such a lovely town, and went to Great Adventure. We arrived on Wednesday, checked into the hotel, and went into Downtown Princeton to check it out. I brought my Nikon but didn't actually take any photos. What a great time we had there though. It was such a great day, the weather was just perfect and the shops themselves were really adorable. One of our favorites was Green Design. You can check them out on Facebook if you don't have a chance to get to NJ. Here is the link: http://www.facebook.com/shopgreendesign?sk=wall. Or you can check out their blog right here: http://greendesignprinceton.blogspot.com/. Another store we fell in love with was JaZams. It was a children's bookstore/toy store (here is their link http://www.jazams.com/Store/pc/splash.asp). And not a toy store like ToysRUs or Target. But like Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. With play areas and reading areas, toys that are laid out for children to play with, things hanging from the ceiling. I mean, it was just so incredibly appealing. What a great place. They had books their that I had never come across before. Such fun. We stopped by a cheese shop, spoke with a lovely young woman about cheese, which she was adorably passionate about, had a fantastic dinner at a restaurant near a large open square, and then got dessert at an artisan ice cream shop. We ate our ice cream (which was outstanding!) on a set of stairs near where there was some really good live music playing. What a day! I wish I could remember the name of these three places because I would love to pass along the information, but right now my brain is failing me.
The next day we woke up to a rainy parking lot and decided to venture out for breakfast at Dunkin Donuts. While we ate our bagels, the sky opened up and it began to pour. My fiance thought we should go to Great Adventure anyway, in case it was clearer over there, since it was about 40 minutes Southwest of where we were staying. When we got there it was still raining, but we were able to go through the Wild Safari, which was very cool. We loved the giraffes, which were licking all of the water off of cars as they drove by.
And the elephants put on a show for us.
 |
| Rhino |
We watched as one lioness showed another who was boss.
And another lioness was yelling at us, protecting her cubs.
The llamas kept walking through a gated area as we were trying to get to the other side so we had to sit there and wait for them. We were laughing about it; it looked like they were going to walk on our car. And once one saw another go through, then they followed. So it ended up being a bunch of them.
The baboons were neat, but we couldn't enjoy them so much because at that point we had been going through for 2 hours and our gas light went on! So we left to get gas and lunch, and returned to enjoy Hurricane Harbor since, lucky for us, as we approached the end of the Safari, the sun came out, dried everything and warmed us up. We had a great time on the slides and spending time together. The Bean finally took a nap and slept through Little Misses favorite part. And by the end of the day, we each went on the slide we thought was the scariest. They were intense.
We got back to the hotel as it start to storm again. So we ran inside, leaving the bags behind in the car. Got changed and decided having dinner at the hotel was the best idea.
The restaurant there is called On The Bone. It was pretty good. My meal wasn't incredibly memorable, but my fiance had beef short ribs that melted in your mouth. He always picks the most delicious meals. And I tend to have the worst luck with my food. I should insist on him choosing my meals from now on. After dinner, I looked out the window and saw it had stopped raining. So I ran out to the car to grab the bags and my camera because I saw this:
I couldn't pass up the photo. As I took this picture, the thunder started to rumble again and I ran inside. Just in time to catch the lightening. The rain didn't start until we were all ready for bed. But it did start again. In fact, it was raining hard all through the night. The thunder even woke us all up. I was afraid we wouldn't be able to make it to Six Flags the next day. But we got up, went back to DD for some breakfast since that was all that was around, and headed back out to Jackson, NJ. The weather cooperated, even though it said to expect rain starting around 2pm. The park was virtually empty so we got to have lots of fun. Jay and I split up with the kids. I went on the kiddie rides, and they were supposed to go on the roller coasters. Well, a quarter inch too short is still a quarter inch too short. So no major upside down coasters were enjoyed. Which is fine by me since they pretty much terrify me!
The rain held off until almost exactly 5pm, when the free concert (Gym Class Heroes and two other solo acts) was about to start. And boy did it rain! It even started to hail. It was wild. All worked out in the end anyway since we were all pretty much ready to hit the road.
We ordered pizza to the hotel room when we eventually got back. The plan had been to sleep in and leave around 11am-12pm. What a silly thing to even consider when you have a toddler! So we ended up heading back to Long Island around 9am or so.
All in all, a really good trip. Hopefully something to remember for a long time.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
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