Final Thoughts of the year.... maybe

The year is coming to a close at the end of this week. It's wild to think how much has happened in a year. I look around at everything else going on around me sometimes and am shocked. This one is married or engaged, that one is pregnant, those people are buying a house. It seems like every year more and more people are moving onto bigger and better things with their lives. I hope by this time next year, I will be one of those people. I'm not looking to have another kid or buy a house or even finally start planning my wedding. I am just hoping that we will be in a better position than we are in now... or even nearly there. In my eyes, my fiance will be done with school by the end of September so with any luck, the job placement system the school has will get him in somewhere good. Then we can finally afford to get our own place again.

The kids obviously don't stop growing. Little Miss is coming into that age where she is testing her boundaries again and that little pre-teen attitude comes out more frequently now. She gets upset a lot and doesn't know why. Sometimes I believe that she doesn't know what's bothering her. More often than not, I think it's more that she doesn't want to talk about it. That's hard for her and for us, too, because how can you make something or someone better when you don't know what's wrong? I just hope we can keep her concentrating on school and working hard... and innocent... as long as possible. I feel like with technology growing, it's harder to keep childrens innocence intact for very long. The Bean is going to be starting daycare when my fiance begins school. I am nervous, but I think it will be good for him to socialize with children his own age. I just hope we can afford it without emptying our bank account.

Things are my job are going decently well. The new computer system we have is getting more manageable. We are learning how to speed up the process and get ahead of the game. The patients are still pretty wacky sometimes. But we all get along pretty well there and the days have been getting easier. We joke around a lot, which is pretty good. It relieves a lot of stress to be able to vent to people that know exactly what you are talking about and feel the same way.

Christmas went well. Relatively uneventful considering how much needed to be done. We did all of the prep work for christmas dinner days in advance, on christmas eve and that morning. So not much had to be done in the afternoon. So I was able to go to my grandmothers and not have to worry about cooking when I got back, which was nice. The kids got loads of gifts, of course. And both were very happy. The Bean kept talking about christmas trees and santa claus and saying merry christmas to people. It was adorable. Little Miss was thankful for the gifts we got her. She started playing with her microscope the next day. I love that she is interested in science. The Bean kept wanting to read all of his books, which of course makes any parent happy. I thought it was so cool that out of all the gifts they got, they were interested in the educational ones. The Bean had gotten a play kitchen from my aunt and uncle and played with it nonstop for the first two days he got it. That was last weekend. Now he's all about the books. But he does still play with it a lot. He loves to "cook" for everyone. He tells you to "try it" or "hot... blow".  He's so proud of himself with it. And I love that he is using his imagination. I am so proud of those two kids. I feel very lucky to have them in my life.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

'Tis the Season

I can hardly believe that it's the holiday season again. And, even more so, that another year has passed. It has been a very long year with not much progress. I am hoping that next year will end better. But trying to keep my head up and stay positive. Good things have happened amongst the bad. And everything could always be worse.

I feel lucky to be blessed with two wonderful children in my life. They are all I could ever need. Seeing them happy makes my holidays better. I didn't get everything done for this weekend that I wanted to. I didn't mail out 98% of our Christmas cards; I didn't bake any cookies. But the gifts are all wrapped (sans 2 that FINALLY came via UPS just the other day), I finished the treats for people at work, the kids picture was taken and developed. We went to two holiday parties with the kids. I don't feel much in the holiday spirit, and I think our situation has a lot to do with it. It's hard not being able to have your own .... well, anything; your own space, stuff, traditions. But, again, keeping my head up and trying to look at things in the most positive light, I am grateful for what we have and that we can be together.

I can hardly believe it but my fiance got The Bean to go peepee on the potty the other day! I was so proud of him. He hasn't gone since, but hopefully it's a step in the right direction. He got his big boy hair cut the other day and he looks just as handsome as ever. He started going to bed in his crib by himself without me having to lay with him for hours! So we got him a toddler bed for Christmas, but I am hesitant to actually set it up for fear of it making things go backwards. I don't think he grasps that if he wakes up and can get out of bed, that he should just lay back down. At least in the crib, he knows he has no place to go so he lays back down and goes to sleep. But the bedroom isn't really toddler proofed because he is never in there alone. But if he is going to be able to get out of bed and walk around, then that is going to have to change. 

Little Miss is still going strong with school... kind of. I see the slacking behavior coming back and her frustrations coming back out. I think she is getting burnt out, actually. I am not surprised, she has been working very hard. And I am still very proud of her. She tried to convince her dad to let her mother dye her hair pink and he said no... but her mom was going to do it. She's only 11. All she does is mess with that poor girls hair. It's going to fall out if she keeps putting chemicals in it. Don't get me wrong, I dyed my hair plenty crazy colors, including blue, but I was at least old enough to have a job, get paid and buy it myself. I think she is too young for it right now. 

BUT it's a holiday weekend and it's a busy one at that. So I refuse to dwell on the things that stress me out, especially things that I cannot control. And I will make sure that I do everything I can to be helpful and I will try to enjoy this Christmas... even though my fiance is working for the whole thing... 

Season's Greetings to All.

Love & Peace,

Emily

Ketchup

Three and a half weeks! That's how long it's been. Too long to not have written anything. I am ashamed of myself! Well, maybe not really ashamed, but I have missed writing. Things always seem so busy and by the end of the day I am exhausted and have interest in sitting in front of a computer any longer. It's not like the old days where I could spend 4 hours writing during my work shift. I actually work during my entire workday now. What a concept. I also stress a lot about how irritating some people can be. The people who come in on Monday and then call on Wednesday and say their antibiotic that they picked up on Tuesday hasn't helped yet... what should they do? Or the people who have to come in right this moment even though they haven't bothered to follow up with anything in nearly 2 years... because they have a bit of a cough for the last couple of days. I mean, really people? Doctors are not miracle works and medication is not a pill to save the world. Let everyone, and everything, do their jobs the way they should. Our availability doesn't fit around your work schedule but you are soooo sick? Well I guess you will have to leave early. I honestly do not know what people expect. I have never had to deal with this many nut jobs since I worked at a kids store in a mall during the holidays 10 years ago. It's insane. BUT things are finally starting to sink in with everyone with the new computer system, even if it means there is an hour wait almost all day. We are starting to see progress.

Other progress? Little Miss! I am so proud of her. She is doing great in almost everything and if she keeps things up like this for the rest of the quarter, I really think she has a shot at Honor Roll! What a difference from failing. She's getting grades in the 80s, 90s, and 100s on projects and exams. She's only brought home 2 grades in the 70s, and they were both above a 75. She has gotten 2 failing grades in math, but only because she didn't follow the proper procedure on how to solve the problem; she got the answers correct, but she did it her own way. She's started going to extra help after and before school on some days. She did lie and sneak to drama club last week instead of coming here when a social studies extra help session was supposedly cancelled. But her mom told her she could go, even though her dad told her she couldn't. But she is doing really well and feeling great about herself.

With the holidays just around the corner, less than 3 weeks away, I have to finish making gifts, take the kids holiday picture, write and send all of the holiday cards, wrap all of the gifts we've got, and bake. Because what is a holiday season without baking? At least for me. There is not enough time for everything. There just simply isn't. I promised I would start early this year and it didn't happen. And I haven't done a damn thing with making kids clothes. It makes me so mad at myself.

My fiance is signed up to start culinary school at the end of January. With it brings a lot of financial stress and the stress of actually putting Gene in daycare. I hate the idea, but we don't have a choice. I know it would be good for him, but am so nervous about it. But in the long run, it will be worth it. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. The school offers job placement, so when he graduates, he will get a good job - much better than working at a beer store. YAY!

The Bean is just getting bigger and smarter as each day goes by. He always amazes me. My fiance keeps saying he wants to get him a hair cut. Which would be his first one ever - he's 2 years and 2 months old. I just can't picture him with short hair. And I really don't want to. I love his hair long. But the truth is, it's getting dry on the ends and it gets in his face a lot. I will probably cry more when he gets his hair cut than when he gets his shots (which is really not at all, but still).

Sigh, I must jet. But I will write more soon (I hope).

Thanks for reading!
Peace & Love,
Emily

Another Week Gone By

This week has been exceedingly long. Work has been very busy. But even with it being nonstop, it felt so slow. And it seems like the more we try to help Little Miss, the more her mother tries to push against us helping her. She took her out of school early last Thursday, didn't send her in on Monday, school was closed on Tuesday for Election day, then took her out early again yesterday and today there was no school for Veteran's Day. In those days she missed class, she missed 3 exams, end of quarter reviews and test prep. Her parents also had a meet the teacher scheduled for this past Monday but her mother didn't go. Her dad found out that she just flat out didn't do a project (another one), this time in Social Studies. When I asked her why, she said "Because I didn't feel like it." Where am I supposed to go with that? Her mother doesn't enforce any of the same values that we have here like 3 square meals a day, daily showers, exercise, a normal sleep pattern (with enough hours of sleep and a healthy sleep environment), and a good education, amongst other things. We are just trying to do what we think is best for Little Miss as we approach each new issue. I am trying to entice her to try a little harder by making a monetary deal with her based on her grades for the second quarter. I told her dad and he was good with it. I mentioned it to her grandmother and she looked at me like 'How dare you?' but simply said "Well that'll never work, but whatever!". Really? I tried to really keep a positive outlook on our situation as much as possible. But it really seems that now I am home the same hours as my in-laws, all the problems are coming out. She really just seems to think that she can do whatever she wants, but they are not her kids. I can't do or say anything too much about Little Miss because, technically, she isn't my daughter. However, when she reprimands my son, that's a whole other can of worms. It's all a very difficult wire to walk. Always being afraid of stepping on this persons toes or that persons toes.

It's a difficult position to be in. Trying to raise your kid and someone elses kid who you have been raising for almost 5 years and love like your own, but in someone elses house. So not only do you have to try to not step on the homeowners toes or let your kids piss them off, but they feel entitled to say and do whatever they want with your kids. But then the one isn't actually yours, so you have to make sure not to piss off the actual parent. So instead of being able to raise my kids how I want to, I have to raise them walking on egg shells. It's really upsetting. I am a great parent. So is my fiance. Sure we may make mistakes sometimes, but so does everyone. I give my son a pretty good amount of freedom, so when he gets in trouble for something I wouldn't punish him for by someone who isn't his parent, is really frustrating. BUT I can't say anything because 1, it's not my family and 2, its not my house.

I can't wait to be able to be back on our own again. I try to tell my fiance how unhappy I am, but I don't want to bring him down either. Just remembering that this is something we are just going through right now and it will be better eventually it keeping me going, but just barely sometimes. Everyone has good days and bad. I can't pick and choose everyone that is in my life like I wish I could. If I could, I'd like to think it'd be a lot better. But then I am sure there would be something else that I complain about so.... I guess I just gotta work with the cards I'm dealt.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,

Emily

Stresssssssssss

Previous post should have posted as being from October 30th. I guess because I edited it, it changed the date. I dunno...

So this has been such a long week. Work has been extra busy; apparently everyone is sick and MUST see the doctor immediately. We are preparing the go totally electronic. So the transition is causing a bit of extra chaos in the office. I'm trying to just get things going smoothly. I think it might be easy for me since I just started so I am not as used to the old system as everyone else. I am hoping that now (finally) not working the overnights at all, I will get into a normal sleep schedule and finally feel rested.

Today was my younger brothers birthday; he turned 27. Which is weird because it just reminds me that my birthday is less than 6 months away. The only reason I think of it around his birthday is because I am a year and a half younger than my older brother, and a year and a half older than my younger brother. So it's weird to think that he is 27 and I am 28. So we/I want to take him and his girlfriend out for his birthday, but now we might not have a sitter. Actually, it's more like my future MIL might be away this weekend... but she might be staying... so she is leaving us hanging until, oh something like 5 pm tomorrow. It's highly obnoxious.

Halloween was on Monday. Little Misses mother picked her up early to take her trick or treating than complained the next day about it. My fiance put fake tattoos all over The Bean; he looked really adorable... and pretty badass, actually. Little Miss has so much homework, loads of tests and then projects. And she is coming to us after school every day to help her out since she is failing; but her mother insists on picking her up early and therefore it rushes her and she can't get everything done. And I don't trust that she makes her study or finish her work at home. I'm pretty sure her mother posted on facebook the other day that they were watching a movie... at 11am... on a school day. Are you serious?! Let's just keep her out of school while she flunks out? I just don't get it. I wish I did, but I don't. Some things I can understand; but being selfish and NOT putting your child's best interest before your own is something I will never get. It drives me nuts.

It's been a stressful week. I'm not liking this week at all. And I wish I could look forward to the weekends (like everyone else seems to think I should), but if Little Miss didn't have so much work to do all the time, maybe I could rest. She has a lab experiment to finish that she never did. And she has 2 and a half weeks to finish another project. Her topic? Cancer... great. I'm sure her mom will really put effort into helping her with that. So that just puts all of it on her while she is here. Now she doesn't have school on Tuesday of this coming week, so she won't be coming over. And she doesn't have school on Friday either. This week is actually the end of her first quarter. But my fiance wants to go upstate to see his grandmothers headstone that just came in. Which means we won't be able to work on her project over next weekend. And this weekend her grandmother is bringing her to a baby shower. That means that, while it should only be a couple of hours, it will end up ruining the whole day and her progress on the experiment. Then the weekend after Veterans Day, she has a sleepover birthday party that she wants to go to. I know technically we don't have to let her go, but we do want her to socialize and enjoy things here and there, too. I don't want to deprive her of every joy imaginable. It's her first real sleepover. Maybe if we give her like a... "you have to pass all of your tests to go" thing, then she will try harder. BUT if she goes, then it's more time she isn't spending on her project. Which wouldn't be the end of the world if her mom would let her spend more time doing her work here OR make sure she does a good job and does her work at her house. But she doesn't do that and can't be entrusted to do it, even if she is told. Her mother believes "she's in middle school so she is on her own" and that she doesn't need to check her work, go through her backpack/binders/agenda book, etc. I just don't even know... I don't know how to handle this. A lot of people tell me to let my fiance take over more, but he isn't the "school" one. He struggles with it himself. He has his own learning disabilties that he never really overcame. So it's kind of up to me. And I am fine with it... except for being almost underminded because no one follows up on anything or makes her do what she is supposed to do.

I went with my fiance to go get one of our tattoos finished yesterday at our friends shop. He got his done, but it took forever so mine didn't get finished. All I wanted was to feel something other than stress. I really needed it. I need to get out and not be in a rush to get. I need a break, a vacation. I need to have someone take over for a while. Sometimes I wish I didn't care as much as I do. Then I wouldn't be so stressed...

Bah... thanks for reading.

Peace & Love,
Emily

Long days and not quite as long nights

Well I did it. I finally wrote my hotel job managers a note saying that this coming Thursday is my last day. Which really makes this overnight my last shift. I got my job around the 1st. So that means that I gave them an entire month to find someone. On top of that, I gave them an additional 3 weeks from my original "last day" date. I think that is pretty fair. I still feel bad, like I am leaving them hanging. But I also feel like if I didn't do this, then it would have continued for weeks and they wouldn't try to find someone until I forced them into this same spot. But what I think is a little rude is that no one from the entire management team has said anything to me about leaving, no well wishes or take cares or thanks for working here. I'm glad to be moving on, but especially because it will be better for me in the long run. Goodbye, HGI. Hello, Promising Future!

Thanks for reading.

Peace & Love,
Emily

How Do You Raise a Pre-Teen?

It's been a full week since Little Miss has been coming over after school every day for homework. The failing grades are still coming in, but all of those tests were from before she started coming over. I found out her mom wants to pick her up every day at 6pm. This really hinders her getting any real quality homework/study time. Not that 3 hours after school shouldn't be enough, but she is struggling in every subject. And two days a week she has volleyball. We cut back the volleyball to only the first hour instead of the second hour. So that should give us more time. And this week, we had to take her to buy a Halloween costume for her school dance. Her uncle also took her to go shopping for her birthday gift, which I was really against. It was a school night and it hindered her completing her homework. So I was a little ticked. She also lied about several assignments this week. Just the stricter homework environment and studying with her isn't going to help if she is lieing about assignments, not writing homework down, etc. Her father told her that she has to do every extra credit project given from now on. This is something I tried to encourage her to do, but she simply refused. I told her if she tries to pull another stunt like lieing about an assignment again, she won't be allowed to go to vollyball at all. I just don't know how to get through to her that this stuff is important. That lieing is not okay. That she has to study and pay attention. She's interested in boys now so that is distracting her, along with new friends. And more difficult material makes it hard to pay attention. And we understand all of that. But it's like the kid isn't even trying. She doesn't care. Nothing seems to phase her. It's like she's given up. I can't get through to her; I can't figure out why. She's always upset, and I know part of it is because now she is being forced to work harder at school stuff. But there are so many other things so much deeper that she doesn't share. It's hard to talk to her, too, because the only time I have with her alone, we aren't really alone - The Bean is there, begging for all of my attention. I should just get a sitter for a little while sometimes and take her out for hot cocoa or something. I just hate that everytime we talk, I have to pull any information out of her. It's more that I don't like feeling like I am making her talk about something she doesn't want to. And if she doesn't want to, then is she really telling the truth? I don't want to make her upset or uncomfortable, but I want to know what is really going on inside that little noggin of hers. She just seems so troubled all the time. If that weren't the case and it was just the school assignments, I wouldn't be so worried. But she is so easily influenced and she is so upset all the time. I just can't let it go. Hopefully we will start making some progress soon.

On another note, it seems like The Bean's birthday was celebrated for a week! Which I am not a fan of. I don't want him to think that he is always getting presents. He was given gifts on his actual birthday, the Saturday following his birthday, that Sunday and again yesterday. I don't know if it's that I don't want to spoil him or if I am afraid him not getting as much next year and being disappointed.

I would really like to raise them to not expect to get everything you want, to understand that they are lucky and that not everyone has as much as they do. I know Little Miss doesn't think she/we have very much; The Bean is too young to know the difference, obviously. I've been saying for 2 years now that I want to sign up to volunteer with her at a soup kitchen, but the first year The Bean was just born and now I am working 56 hours a week. I can't believe another year is almost over already.

New job is going well I think. I got my first paycheck. Much nicer than what I've been getting elsewhere. They did put the wrong pay rate in, so I have to ask them to adjust that. I feel like that's a bit awkward. And my now part time job is still taking out insurance from my checks, even though I am now part time. So I have to ask them to knock that crap off and give me my money back. They don't offer part time employees benefits, so why are they still taking my money? Is it to benefit me? Can I still use it? My insurance at the other place won't kick in for a bit, but to be honest, I don't intend on staying until my insurance starts with them. I'd rather just cut it off and get the money back. It's more than $70 per paycheck. And I need that money. I'm trying really hard to save up to pay things off and get back on our feet. I like my new job, but I'd like it even more if I weren't living in my in-laws house.

I need my own space. My kids need their own space. I can't feel like a burden. I also can't feel like I can't raise my kids my way because I am living in someone elses house, who have their own ideas about raising kids. Me and my in-laws don't see eye to eye on much. My fiance and I discuss the kids all the time and talk about raising them, disciplining them, etc. If we don't agree on something, we figure out something we can both agree to. I know that they (my inlaws) don't know this and they see me doing more of the disciplining, and just assume my fiance has no say. But it kind of went without saying that I am the Bad Cop and my fiance is the Good Cop. I am fine with this. He is laid back and I am pretty damn uptight, so it makes sense. The other day my son did something minor, like throw a toy and, not that I condone it but he was cranky and it was late for his nap time, but my future MIL was like "Oh, that deserves a spank!" - to me, not to him as if warning him. I just kind of quick sideways glanced in her direction and sternly told him "No, we don't throw toys. If you do it again, you will go in time out," then took him upstairs for a nap. Tonight when I was trying to get him upstairs for a bath, he blew raspberries in my face, basically spitting in my face. I told him that we don't do that; when he did it again, he got a good little spanky on his bottom. I think there are times when a kid needs a little spank, but most of the time it's not necessary. I know people voice their opinions and whatnot, but hearing someone's opinion that you very rarely agree with all the time gets really frustrating. Especially when it's concerning your parenting.

I am really looking forward to not working this part time job anymore. I'd like some more energy and to be able to relax and enjoy some down time with my fiance. Maybe even go on a date. We haven't been out alone on a date in over 8 months. Not out to dinner, forget a movie. Maybe the second weekend I don't work, I am getting a sitter and going on a date with him. We really need it.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Step-Parenting

Growing up I always knew one thing. That I wanted, more than anything else, to be a mom. As a child I dreamt of being a teacher so I could help other kids. As a young teen I babysat and worked at camps. The older I got, the more I planned my life ahead of me, thinking I would be happily married, have finished college, have a career, a house and a family... by 25. How delusional was I? Of all the scenarios I played out in my head, never in a million years did it dawn on me that I might be someones step-mother one day. Lo and behold, before I even had a chance to have my own children, I was given the gift of this child in my life. My "pseudo-step-daughter". Little Miss was just 6 when her father and I began dating. Now she is 11. We are engaged and she has a little brother (The Bean).

When I was a kid, I thought - I can do anything. I'd be a great mom. How hard could it be? Then came Little Miss and I was thrown into a whirl wind of chaos and who gets her when and what about holidays and where are her clothes and you said WHAT to her? At least then I had my own mother to talk to about things. The "is this normal?" questions. The "how do I handle this situation?" stuff. (What I wouldn't give for her advice lately.) Then I found out I was pregnant and thought "I can do this." What a shock when The Bean was born. I knew it would be hard. But I never would have imagined how difficult it would be. All of those difficulties considered, I think being a step-parent is more difficult than being a parent to your own child. The borderlines, the gray areas, the cross of parent and friend, the other parent that isn't your partner and the relationship with them, your ideas of raising kids vs the biological parents' ideas of raising kids - do they concur or disagree, communication, so much more... A lot of these things are part of being a parent to your own also. But there is a whole other level of stress involved when dealing with kids that aren't yours. When it boils down to it, Little Miss isn't my child. I treat her like she is my own flesh and blood, yes. But she isn't. And it hurts my heart to love her as much as I do and see her struggle so much. My hands are tied in so many situations. And even though we always have her best interests at heart, because of their custodial agreement, her mother has the last word. So when we think things aren't being done the best way possible or things aren't being followed up on or she needs something she isn't getting (physical, emotional, educational needs, etc.), it really doesn't matter what we say because we can't really enforce anything outside of our house.

But how do you handle an 11 year old girl? Do you stay tough or try the "be her friend" thing? The friend thing hasn't seem to have worked for her mother. She does whatever she wants at her moms house. When she comes to us, if she has schoolwork to do, she knows I mean business. I know she can be successful if she tries. But she doesn't try. You can't force a kid to try in school. You can't force them to pay attention in class, to write notes, copy down their homework. So what do you do? Hope they make the right choices? That doesn't really seem like a good enough answer for me. I'm at a loss. I need some guidance.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Time & Stress

It always seems like so much time passes so quickly, but then it's only been a few days. But all of a sudden, another year is gone. Little Miss turned 11 just a few days ago. I shouldn't say all of a sudden, but it certainly seems like out of nowhere her attitude has become bigger than the room. She has so many people wrapped around her finger and she knows just how to work everyone. This has always been the case, but I am really not okay with it twisting around to seem like I am an evil step mother. I've always done what I think is best for her and I always explain what is going on and why. If she doesn't understand why she is in trouble, I explain. If she doesn't agree, I listen to what she has to say. So I really do not like when people think I am mean to her all the time and too hard on her. In the last 4 and half years I think I have really yelled at her maybe a dozen times, if that much. I'm stern with her, but I rarely raise my voice. It's frustrating to give so much of yourself to help a child, especially when they aren't your own, to have other people treat you negatively because they don't know anything.

Then The Bean turned 2 years old today. I worked all day and barely got to see him. But what really got me was that everyone else opened his presents with him. We are having a dinner for him on Saturday. It could have waited. He wouldn't have known the difference. Even his father. I would have liked to have been there to see him enjoy all of that and I missed it. I know there will be other birthdays, but I would never have allowed that to happen if I were home with him. It's a special day that both of his parents should enjoy with him. End of story.

The new job has been going well. Everything else seems to be extra stressful though lately. I'm not enjoying anything right now. It seems like I am just so unhappy lately. Shouldn't a new job and a pay increase help alleviate stress? Instead it just seems like its highlighting all the other things that aren't falling into place yet. I know not being home with Gene during the day is hard on me, too. I miss him so much and don't get a lot of time with him. It's horrible.

We eliminated alcohol from our lives at the beginning of September and it seems like all I think when I am stressed is "I could really use a drink." That really bothers me. It's not like I drank a lot before. But not having that option seems to be hard on me. Harder than I'd like to admit. I really think I could use a break from the stressors in my life. Big time. I just need some space away from everyone.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Pushing it.

Where do I start? It's been 5 days and I feel like I have so much on my mind. I am pushing myself to my limits right now. For starters, my first day at the doctors office was Monday. I didn't have to stay until 7pm, which was nice, since I worked the overnight on Sunday night and had to work the overnight on Monday also. I lasted most of Tuesday alright aside from a headache from being overtired. I fell asleep with The Bean at 7:30pm and pretty much stayed asleep until 6am Wednesday morning, rolled over and went back to sleep for a little over an hour more. The week went well, nothing major. I think I have got the hang of most of the work, but couldn't do it on my own yet. It's a lot of phone calls and a very busy practice. I am back at work at the hotel doing another overnight shift. My fiance has work 9am until 10pm tomorrow so I'll be up with the kids all day and then have to work Saturday overnight. It's going to be rough; my week looks something like: Sunday into Monday, Monday day, Monday into Tuesday, Tuesday day, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday day, Friday into Saturday, Saturday into Sunday. That is 72 hours in a 6 1/2 day period. I am definitely not interested in doing this for very long. I told my manager that I would like for my last weekend here at the hotel to be the weekend before Thanksgiving, which actually gives her an additional 5 weeks to find someone, not including this one. I was thought it was only 4. I was going to try to go up and visit my dad Thanksgiving weekend. There is no work at the doctors office Thursday or Friday, so I thought if I head up on Wednesday then I could stay until Sunday. That's a lot of time. Though I think I would get a hotel room. I was going to ask both of my brothers if they want to join me and The Bean. It would also help in splitting the room cost. Four nights, even at a cheap motel, adds up. I would get a hotel room because I wouldn't want The Bean around smoking inside. I don't even like that my in-laws smoke around the kids outside and he breathes it in. So I know I don't want him around it for 5 days. Plus, it will be colder so we won't be outside that much. And there is all the Third Hand Smoke on the couch, in the rugs, on the bedding, even if my dad and brother were to agree not to smoke inside while he was there (which they wouldn't). Usually he is hunting then, but if we go up, maybe he wouldn't go. It'd be nice if he put us before hunting once in a while.

Little Miss is going to turn 11 on Sunday. I can hardly believe it. We are hopefully taking her apple picking on Sunday and then having a family dinner for her that evening. Her dad has work though, but he was at least able to get coverage for the afternoon/evening part of his shift so he could be there for the dinner. There are a few things I have trouble with though. Her lack of effort in school really bothers me, but the lack of enforcement at her full time home bothers me more. She still doesn't sleep in her own bed, doesn't shower properly, and basically lacks in personal hygiene. What also really bugs me is that her mothers financial woes are a burden on her. No 10-11 year old child should even know their parents financial status, let alone be made to feel like the things they need are a burden. But hey, don't let me stop you if you would rather buy her an iPhone and then tell her you have no money for a posterboard for her school science project. I don't want to get into too much because I'd probably regret typing it later. I just hope Little Miss grows up seeing the difference between her two households and chooses to pull good habits from our side.

Happy Birthday, Little Miss!

Like a Good Bra...

Support is important. I always knew it was important, but I don't think I ever realized how important it really is. I never really let anyone help me, from carrying groceries in the house (no, I can handle all twelve bags on my own with a kid on my hip) to staying up all hours in college because I didn't see the point of study groups. So it's kind of a new concept for me. I'm very "I can do it on my own; I don't need anyone's help". Very bull-headed, stubborn. So when we moved into my future in-laws house at the end of May, it was very disheartening for me. It was not only a huge blow to my ego, but really made me fear for my relationship. I was so afraid that we wouldn't survive living in his parents house. I was nervous that on top of the financial strain we were/are under, that his family influence would really keep me down. It took me a while, but I have started to let go of the controls a little bit. And in letting go, it means I had to let people help me. I had to really stop thinking that people trying to help me was them putting me down and thinking I couldn't do it on my own, but more them wanting to help me succeed. I had to let others, almost rely on them, to watch The Bean so I could get a couple hours of shut eye when my fiance had a late night at work. That was really hard for me. Coming from a position where I was a SAHM and the main person in my sons life, to "letting go of the reigns" and letting his (oh my gosh) father take care of him (what a concept), to letting family who adore him take care of him for a few hours. And wouldn't you know it, my kid survived! How nutty! I really feel like I need to be in control of things. And by "things" I mean everything in my life. And I guess when it all boils down, that isn't fair. To me or anyone else in my life. So, I've been letting go and letting people in, which means I've been more open. So I have been giving my future family more of a chance instead of putting a blockade on my ears and not listening to anything they have to say about anything and thinking I know better. My future MIL has been a big support in everything I do. From my crafts, to my decisions with my son and step-daughter, to my work and my relationship with her son. She understands my point of view more than I ever thought she would. I always felt like I really wanted a MIL that would be like a second mom. And for a long time, I never gave her to opportunity. But I am so happy to say that, once I finally opened my eyes (and my heart), that is exactly what I have. I am so grateful for her. At this point, I don't know what I would do without her. So here is a big "Thank you" to my future MIL.

I start the new job in 3 hours. Yay! 10 hours at the office, a couple hours of sleep and then my last overnight shift (followed by another day at the office). I'm so excited to start, but am more looking forward to Wednesday and Thursday when I won't be so exhausted. It's going to be great. The only downfall is... I will miss my son so much!! :(

Thanks for reading!
Peace & Love,
Emily

Hayrides, Pumpkins and Rides, oh my!

Today we planned on going apple picking again, but it was not in the cards. So we went to a pumpkin patch at a farm nearby instead. Not only did it have a little place to pick your own pumpkins, but it had pony rides, hay rides, a "spud slinger", and a whole area that was like a mini fair, with a maze, silo slide, little cow train and a zip line. It was called Colonial Springs Farm. They were super duper organized and clean. Well-priced and a really good time. I was glad we got there when we did. It wasn't incredibly early, about noon, but by the time we left at 3pm, it was packed! 

My two chickadees

My beautiful step-daughter

The Bean was not a fan of this ride when it started, but he started enjoying it shortly after.

Zip-Line!

Maze

Slide - she fell every time

Picking Pumpkins by the stem. Tsk Tsk

Helping out her brother. Teamwork makes the dreamwork.

I don't care that this picture is terrible, I still absolutely LOVE it.

Gosh, I love these two. The Bean and Little Miss

Everybody say "Cheese!"

I then cleaned a 5 shelf bookshelf that we had been storing at my grandmothers house. It's been in an unfinished basement and started growing stuff... if you know what I mean. Yikes! So I cleaned the heck out of it outside. Brought it into my inlaws living room and finally got my crafting things organized. It's almost like a work space. I hope that with my new hours I can find time to really get cracking. My MIL is still pushing my to learn how to use her sewing machine. It's good; I really need the push. It should really help me get my act together and work faster.

Next weekend is Little Misses 11th birthday so we are going to try to go apple picking then, too. Fingers crossed!

Thanks for reading!
Peace & Love,
Emily

Love this stuff

I got scrubs and long sleeved shirts yesterday. Yay! I also got The Bean a Transformers backpack. I thought it would be good to use as a diaper/toy bag. He can wear it and feel like a big boy. And I can have another arm free. Then we went to my girlfriends house. The Bean had passed out in the car even though it was so early in the day. So we decided to get everything together and go to the park for lunch and some playtime for our boys. The Bean woke up right before we left, but had no appetite for lunch. It was probably just because he preferred to run around the park instead of eating his sammie. We stayed for two hours at Caumsett State Park in Huntington, NY. It's one of our favorites and really close to my friends place. We have a NYS Pass so we don't have to pay to go in. It's a pretty large place. There are horse stables (you have to be a member or own a horse there or something to get in), a walled-in garden, a 3 mile paved run, hiking trails and three houses on the property. The largest house is at the top of the large somewhat rolling hills a mile and a half up the paved walk and overlooks part of the Long Island Sound. It is very nice and a lovely way to spend part of the day. Yesterday we just sat in the garden near the entrance of the park and let the boys have fun running through the bushes, smelling the flowers, crunching leaves and getting dirty. My friends son turned 1 about 5 months ago. So The Bean is just about 6 months older than him. They are getting closer and recognize each other and play together (sort of). My friends son is the same size as The Bean so it's pretty perfect. He can stand up for himself to my little beast most of the time.

The Bean (in red) and his Buddy

Future BFFs

Giving his Buddy a helping hand.

They both looked at the same time. Quite the accomplishment.

Buzz buzz...

After the park, we dropped off our friends and headed to pick up Daddy from work. I thought for sure he was going to conk out in the car, but to my dismay he was still full of energy. When we eventually got back home, I went to bed and my fiance went to pick up Little Misses birthday present. (Did I mention this already? Apparently the notebook my fiance's parents got for her was previously owned unbeknownst to them, and even had a username and password on it! Needless to say, they returned it and so, had to get a new one.) He took The Bean with him to the store and I am told he fell asleep so soundly on the way there that he didn't wake up the entire time they were in the store. Which, of course affected his bedtime. Yippie.

Today is supposed to be nice, too. So my friend and I agreed to get together again. Maybe we will actually get a chance to get to the fabric store. And the park again, because it is always such a hit. I prefer the ones without the jungle gyms right now because it allows The Bean to use his imagination and find things to do. I don't care if he gets dirty at all. That's what baths are for, right?!  We had both forgotten that we made plans to get together this week with an old high school peer who is visiting from Canada with her daughter. For some reason we both thought it was next week. In fact, we were supposed to make plans with her for Monday or yesterday. Yikes! Maybe we will be able to get together with her today. She leaves tomorrow so I think she will probably be busy. I feel terrible about it. I was looking forward to seeing her and meeting her daughter.

My dad said he received my letter. And he told me to keep the car I was going to fix and give back to him. Or sell it and keep the money. I spoke with my fiance regarding it. I think we should keep it since it would be nice for him to have his own car again. We have to see what insurance would be like for him. If we can't afford it, then maybe we should cut our losses and sell the darn thing. Though I would feel badly about it, being that it was my moms and all, albeit briefly.

I am really looking forward to having a regular schedule. Not only will it help me be less tired, be able to exercise more and eat better, but it will give me time to be more productive and crafty. I need to get my ass together on this if I want to go anywhere with it. It's been a month since I was supposed to "really get working on this" and I haven't. Unacceptable to me. Then I wonder if maybe I am taking on too much, with the clothing thing, the holiday crafts, the baking everything from scratch, the chronicle journal for The Bean, the blog, my plan to add exercise into my routine, plus personal relationships, working full time and taking care of The Bean. Perhaps I just need to budget my time better and say to myself: On Mondays I do this, Tuesdays this, Wednesdays this... and so on. Give myself set hours where I can work on whatever it is that I want to do on each set day. And then stick to it.

Sidenote: I think it will be a big relief in my life to not work this overnight job anymore. These hours are exhausting. I think it will come down to - I will work this weekend and that will have to be it. 4 hours of sleep over a 48 hour period of time is unacceptable to me. There is no reason I should put myself through that. I was going to come into work one shift while my manager is here and speak with her, but maybe I will write her another letter. Perhaps in person is more professional though. Hmm....

Well, thanks for reading!
Peace & Love,
Emily

Saucey Apples

One of my favorite things about this time of year (October through December) is that I get in the mood to do a lot of baking and sometimes cook. I'm not the greatest baker or cook, but I can follow a recipe, I know what I like and I know what other people like. So generally what I make comes out good, if it's a good recipe. Well I have really hit the jackpot recently with recipes. My New York Cheesecake came out delicious, the Maple Cheesecake with cranberry-pear glazed topping came out even better and, most recently, the maple applesauce I made Monday afternoon is just outstanding.

***It took about 4 hours to make from start to finish. And it made about 6 cups of applesauce. I was looking for the recipe online, but sometimes magazines don't post them so you would have to buy the publishing. Annoying for the purpose of sharing. Essentially though, it was just under a peck of apples (about 8 to 10 pounds worth), 2 cups of water, 10 inches worth of cinnamon stick; cook 35-45 min (I let them go longer); take out cinn. sticks; push apples through a sieve; add 1 cup real maple syrup; bring back to boil and VOILA! Yumminess. ***

I am also going to try a brown butter and sage applesauce. That's going to be phenomenal, too. I only have two pecks of apples left though. So I'll prep some apples for pies and if I have left overs, I'll try the new sauce. I am certain that I will need more apples this season though. At the apple orchard, each peck cost $10 and a peck is supposed to be 10.5 pounds. So by the calculation, I have to see what the best bet is: but some at a local market and hope they are as fresh as they claim, or go back apple picking. It's not that I would mind, I prefer to go upstate for the u-pick stuff, but I don't know that I can afford another trip up... especially just to pick apples. I recently read that apples at supermarkets are, on average, 14 months old. I was appalled and saddened. There are so many recipes I want to try though. I came across some other really good ones last night also. I've got about 25 recipes that I want to try. My problem is that the ingredients and other supplies start to cost a lot very quickly. Though it is generally less expensive than buying everyone gifts, it makes it difficult to try everything because you have to give baked gifts fresh, so I can't make things now and save them until the holidays. Though I may do mostly mini apple pies, so I am planning on prep-ing the filling and the pie crusts separately now (or soon) and then freezing everything until I am ready to put them together.

We won't only be giving baked goods as gifts. We are also making picture frames for immediate family. I've got some visions in my mind. We can't afford big gifts, and to be honest, I really don't like the idea of buying people expensive gifts for the holidays. I think it really misses the point of the season, which to me is about celebrating family and friends and helping others. Which is why I want to sign Little Miss and I up for volunteer work at a soup kitchen through the holiday season; maybe make it a weekly or bi-weekly thing throughout the year. I'd like to teach her, and The Bean when he is old enough, that 1. there are those less fortunate, and 2. people don't only need help at the holidays, but yearlong as well. It's just so hard to find the time sometimes with the kids and family plans and finding a sitter. Those are just sorry excuses though.

Little Misses 11th birthday is in less than 2 weeks, as is The Bean's. We got her some clothes and her grandparents want to get her a notebook laptop. I'm sure she will get more from others but that is a huge gift from them. We aren't actually buying anything for The Bean. I'm making an ice cream cake. And we just got him all these new clothes. A few people asked what he wanted. He's too young to want anything. But I told them we were thinking of getting him a tricycle or a wagon that attaches like a trailer to the back of the parents bike. Or a combo birthday-christmas gift and get him a playhouse, like the Little Tykes kind. They are expensive though. The ones we like are easily $600. But I don't like the idea of getting one now or soon because it will be so cold soon and I think he'll get more use in the Spring. But the idea is "what would it hurt to get it early" I guess. It's a lot of money for us though. Perhaps just something to save for; maybe save a bit longer and get a big one. Though if we save too long, by the time we might be able to afford the big one we will probably be ready to move out, and then what would really be the point by then anyway.

Looking forward to getting some scrubs for the new job tomorrow! Yay! I start Monday with a long day - 9am to 7pm. Longer than I anticipated. So now I have to talk to my manager and let her know that I won't be able to last as long as I thought and she'll have to hire someone. There is no way I can be at work Sunday at 11pm, when I won't be getting to bed until 8pm that night (because my fiance will now have to work Sundays); then work until 7am, go to the doctors office 9am to 7pm, then get to sleep around 8pm again to work the overnight Monday night 11pm to 7am and work 9am to 4pm Tuesday. That would mean I'd be lucky to get 4 hours of sleep over a 48 hour period of time. That's really demanding a lot of myself. I guess we will see what happens.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Ups & Downs

Sometimes people tend to think "why does this always happen to me?" when things don't go right or as planned. But in my experience, most people forget about all the good in their lives while the bad is going on. It makes sense, of course. Something negative happens and you think "damn..." and it puts a person in a bad mood. Then they think of negative things and dwell on them instead of making a point to remember and focus on the happy things in life. I think people forget how to be happy sometimes. With all negative media coverage from politics to sports to celebrity gossip to local news, a lot of times it feels like there is nothing to be happy about. It's important to make your own happiness though. Helping others gives a wonderful feeling of fulfillment and gratitude for the things you have. Spending time outside enjoying mother nature and fresh air can make you happy. Reading a book or playing with your (or a friend/family members) child(ren). Giving someone a meaningful hug or having a conversation with a good friend. Happiness is about finding the joy in all the little things that make life complete... and not forgetting about them. Anyone can feel sorry for themselves when times are tough, and it takes courage to pick yourself up when you are feeling down, but it's amazing how good it feels to be positive.


My weekend recap: After a late start on Friday morning, we made it upstate to visit with my best friend. We took advantage of the nice and relatively warm weather and decided to take the kids apple picking that afternoon instead of Saturday. It was loads of fun, minus all the mosquitos from the recent rainfall and subsequent stagnant water. I think we would have stayed longer had it been less buggy. Still, we left with 5 pecks of apples, 3 mums, 2 fresh cider jugs and 1 jar of apple butter. The flowers, cider and apple butter were for BFF, as well as 2 of the pecks of apples.

Then we went back to her place (after getting lost by the Shawangunk Mountains), got changed and brought 4 of the 5 kids to her mother-in-laws. Then the two of us plus my tuckered little boy went to the welcome reception for alumni weekend at my college. The campus looks great and I take huge pride in the new science hall. I alo found out that the science department has gotten enormous since I left, with science being one of the top 5 majors at the school. Woop woop. I am such a nerd. Anyway, my mentor and former advisor showed us around and we caught up and reminisced a bit. He is great with kids and seemed to adore The Bean. We left, grabbed the kids, who apparently had all already passed out, and headed back to her place. Saturday morning we all got up btwn 6am and 8am. My BFF's husband made breakfast, everyone ate, their oldest went to religious education and I took The Bean and Little Miss along with my god-daughter over to the college for a science experiment thing for the kids. Then the rest of them met up with us at a puppet show and we headed to a bbq. There was face painting, sand art, tie-dye puzzles and a photo booth. They all had a great time and I got to catch up with a couple more professors. Then we left to run a few errands, including to the sueprmarket to grab ingredients for maple cheesecake. We made two. We tried the first one and, of course, it was super yummy. I also had picked up a magazine for idea for "food gifts" for this holiday season. So I am going to try some of them with any luck.

While we were away my future MIL was finally released from the hospital. She is happy to be home and I am glad she is feeling better and more comfortable. She is taking this week off to recouperate and rest. I was happy to hear it because she likes to push herself too hard. And before we left, I washed the kids clothes that I've been making. I wanted to see what would happen if someone threw them in the wash (even though they should be handwashed). The three things that I thought would fall off, did. So I wasn't surprised. And I was only mildly disappointed. Now I have to figure out how to get these appliques to stay on. But that is why I put them in the machine to begin with; to see how they would hold up and fix any problems. My future MIL has really been a positive push for me with it. She keeps me motivated and gives me new ideas. She wants me to pull out her sewing machine and really get some things done. I think she knows her art makes her happy and that if I can craft, it would make me happy, too.

I am hoping to see my girlfriend this week and maybe we can get to the fabric store I've been practically dreaming about. I am really looking forward to using fabric to wrap some holiday presents. How cute would that be?! Maybe embroider the gift tags.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Too many Reese's

Hard to believe right? I didn't think it was possible, but the ache in my tummy is telling that it surely is. I've been eating so much junk so I really could use some exercise. Aside from the fact: I absolutely love to run. I haven't be able to, unfortunately, for the last six and a half years because of my foot. I had a bunionectomy and my foot hasn't been the same since (and I haven't gotten it fixed yet, either). But a pretty nice perk of working during the days is that I can go for walks or runs in the mornings or at night. The overnight work has not only messed up my sleep habits, but also my eating habits. So it will be good for me to get back into a relatively normal schedule.

I had written a letter to both my GM and FOM regarding my new job. The FOM stayed late last night to speak with me about it. My feeling is that being hired for this new job had absolute perfect timing. She told me that, being that we are coming into the slow season, our hours would have been cut down anyway. So it kind of eases the burden on her payroll budget. She acknowledged that she doesn't think I will be able to keep both jobs for long, but agreed to let me stay on Sunday and Monday nights, which is when my coworker has off. I don't think it will be so bad. My fiance usually has off on Sunday, so I should get enough sleep. And if I can get my future MIL to agree to watch The Bean, give him dinner, a bath and put him to bed, then I can get sleep on Mondays. If not though, he goes to bed at 7:30 so I will still get about 3 hours a sleep, which is what I get most of the time anyway. So it won't be too much change. I know that when I leave the hotel I will need a second job. I just hope I can wait a little while. I really will need the money, but I know I am really going to want to be home. Plus, if I work at night too, that means I will have to get someone to watch The Bean. Which is asking a lot of someone (like my fiance's parents) who just get home from their own full schedule.

One negative effect I will be feeling very soon is the fact that The Bean has his 2 year check up in the 19th. I will no longer be full time at the hotel at that point and so we won't have insurance, as I am sure that it won't kick in immediately at the doctors office. Maybe I can talk to my manager and see if the first two weeks of my new job I can go down to 32 hours, so that I am still technically full time. It's asking a lot of myself though. I don't know if I can do it. I might have to though. And I will probably have to reschedule his appointment for a new time since I will now be at work during the day. Yikes. Maybe she has weekend hours and I can go the weekend before. That way I only have to work two extra nights the first week. I think that is what I should find out. I'll have to call them today. Maybe they will let me push his appointment up a week so that I don't have to put extra hours in at all. Maybe I can make this work afterall. This blog thing is coming in very handy for sorting my thoughts.

It's now Thursday. Tonight is a VIP thing for the new Buffalo Wild Wings in Hicksville where my old TGIFriday's manager is the DO. He got us a ticket for 2 to attend. So we are dropping The Bean off at my brothers for a few hours while we go be child-free adults briefly. Then it will be back to work for me for my last overnight of the week. Then tomorrow morning I will be heading upstate to visit my best friend and her family with the kids. It will call for a LOT of caffiene, that's for sure. I'm going to try to leave work 15 minutes early to get a bit of a nap in before heading out. Which means packing for myself and the two kids must be done today. Along with all the cleaning. And I have to nap this afternoon so I can almost function tonight. Busy day ahead. But it will all be worth it. I can't wait!

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Moving On (Up?)

On my way to visit my future MIL in the hospital yesterday, her sister called me. I presumed to ask about her condition. Instead she was calling me in for an "interview" with the doctors office where she is the manager. my fiance's mom worked for this doctor for 15 years and always raves about him. I keep hearing what a nice guy he is and how family friendly. It was practically normal to them that I had The Bean with me for the interview. He told me he would rather I bring The Bean here and come to work, then miss work because I can't find a sitter. How cool is that?! Basically he said "Jean [my fiance's aunt] gave me your resume and told me about you. Basically, I need you to be here. I NEED you here." And I said "Okay." That was essentially our interview. I start a week from Monday (which is the 10th). Aunt Jean is going to contact me to go over the schedule and pay. It's going to be more than at the hotel. But its only 30-35 hours a week. Which is great... except I need to make more money than that. So I am going to continue working at the hotel part time for a while, if they let me. I almost hope they say no. But I feel bad not giving a full two weeks notice so I am going to try to slowly leave. It's kind of a lame move on my part. But helpful to them that I am not leaving them high and dry. My goal is to eventually, relatively soon, leave the hotel all together and get a different part time job that doesn't have such difficult hours. Maybe in retail. A discount during the holidays would be nice. Or in a restaurant, though I really don't want to waitress anymore. But I will if it is financially beneficial. I wrote to both my General Manager as well as my Front Office Manager to let them know. I kind of put the ball in their court. But I also insinuated that they might want someone full time for the job. I also told them that I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep the hours of both jobs, and that if it got to be too much, I would let them know. Because eventually, it will be too much. Especially with my fiance working at night so he can be home with The Bean during the day, it won't give me much time to rest between jobs.

I wrote my first letter to my dad last night/this morning. I am going to put it in the mail today I guess. I just need to locate some stamps. I wanted to send him some, too, to get across the idea that he is supposed to write me back. Though I didn't say it in the letter.

My fiance and I have been trying to figure out our "plan", but now with this new job, it looks like the decision was made for us. We will be sticking around LI for a while. Which is good because we will be near Little Miss. But it's not where we want to be and it's expensive. But I guess we will work it out; take what we can get. We always figure things out. We spoke about it yesterday and he said he doesn't think he is ready to move far away to CA or TX. He'd prefer to stay on the East Coast, close to NY, like DE, PA, or MD, for now. Maybe we will retire further out west. Or maybe we will get stuck here like almost everyone on Long Island does. It's okay though. I'm happy that I got this job and I am looking at it as a sign of better things to come. I can hardly wait to start. And one of my favorite parts? I get to wear scrubs! Yay! So comfy!

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Pen Pals

I finally got my dad's mailing address at his house way up in the mountains. I am thinking of writing him a letter once a week. Something for him to look forward to. Maybe get a picture printed out here and there of The Bean or both kids (since he sort of likes to think of Little Miss as a grand daughter also) for him. Keep him updated and feel less lonely. I think it's a good idea. Especially as opposed to my last brilliant idea: drop everything to move up there. Oh I can help him out by paying him to babysit The Bean. He makes more money than I do right now. And he still finds room to complain about it. I feel less bad for him than I did a few weeks ago. His birthday is in 4 weeks. I was going to go up to visit him, but he might be hunting so I am not sure. And my parents anniversary is in just about 2 weeks, so I know that will be extra hard on him. Being that my older brother just turned 30, that means it would have been their 31st wedding anniversary. I probably shouldn't keep track of things like that considering how sad it makes me. And I just can't help but think how much more sad my dad is.  But maybe sending him letters will help him feel a little less distant.

I brought my future MIL to the hospital this morning. They made me leave her there because I had The Bean with me and he wasn't allowed in the ER. Her crohns and colitis was flaring up. She's been suffering with symptoms for over a week but did not want to go to the hospital. It finally got to the point this morning when she could no longer take the pain. I felt so bad leaving her there alone though. I know her husband went there to see her. He called around 3:30 to let us know she had just gotten a room. So he probably went there shortly after lunch, which was when I saw him and let him know. And we had only left her there at 11, so hopefully she wasn't alone for too long - she hates hospitals. I hope they are able to get it under control quickly and alleviate her pain.

I finally sat my butt down and searched to see if there were any job openings with CHSLI, since my connection keeps telling me someone will call. I figure I should at the very least be prepared with what positions are available. And I could follow up as well, if I could find an opening and the contact person. There are none. Not within any radiation oncology center and not with almost all of the hospitals they represent. I think only one hospital has some admin positions available. And I would be happy to accept one, but I am not getting my hopes up for a call. Which makes me think that maybe I should apply for jobs elsewhere, as in upstate New York, Texas, Colorado, California, Delaware.  But I still need to know what my fiance's plan is before I go trying to move away. I keep telling him that it is up to him if we move away from his family. But the truth is, I am getting used to them being around. His mother and I finally have a good relationship. And she is always telling me how much she likes having the kids there so much; which makes it difficult to say "I'm going to move and you will hardly ever see them again." Part of me thinks that is what she is trying to do; get me to stop wanting to move away so that her grandkids can be close to her. And it's not that I blame her. But her son and I cannot possibly flourish here. So it is a difficult little spot to be in. How does a person move without a place to go or money to rent an apartment, but how do you move somewhere without a job? So what do you do? Keep working a mediocre job for barely enough money to pay bills until there is enough saved that if you do get a job, you can move somewhere. OR, do you try and get a good job where you are able to save up more money and then leave your good job to live where you want to and risk not getting another good job? 

Thanks for reading!

Peace & Love,
Emily

Back to the Future

This weekend all four of us went to dinner at my aunt and uncles house on Saturday (my mom's brother). My youngest cousin over there loves The Bean to bits. He is almost the same age as Little Miss though, so it works out really nicely. Their oldest boy is a junior in high school and the middle boy is a freshman I think. I cannot comprehend how the middle one can be so rude to his parents, especially in front of company, family or not. I was totally appalled. I almost said something to him. He is my cousin after all, and part of me felt like I can put him in his place if I wanted. But then I thought it might be inappropriate of me to speak to him like then when his parents weren't, for whatever reason. Regardless, I love visiting them. My aunt is always so nice and my uncle (who is always incredibly nice) reminds me so much of my mom.

Yesterday we all went to my cousins (on my fathers side) sons 3rd birthday party. It was just a small little gathering meant more for the kids than anything. They live a bit further out on the Island. I don't get to talk to them or see them that much, but I love my cousin and his wife so much. They are such great people with such big hearts. My cousin was telling me their plans for their house and future, suggesting we move out near them being that it is a lot less expensive. It just got the thinking ball rolling again about what we are going to do. What are we going to do? Where are we going to settle and when? What about career paths? There are so many aspects to think about: distance from Little Miss, from my family, his family, our friends nearby, our friends that are further away, can we get jobs, cost of living, how are the school districts. Part of me thinks that I would love to be on the other side of the country; most of my communication with people is via the internet or telephone anyway. But do I really want to move away from my brother and girlfriend? My best friend is 2 hours away and that is hard enough; what would we do if I moved even further? And what about my fiance's family? They love having us living with them. His mom tells me all the time how happy it makes her to have us there and how much she enjoys seeing The bean every day and Little Miss all the time. And what about Little Miss? I told my fiance it is 100% his decision. Moving away from her would be a huge step, and I don't know if it would be a good idea. I think it could really do damage emotionally to her. And her mother always says that if we wanted to move, she would go, too. But we can't rely on her to do that. Her move to follow us where we want to go so that Little Miss can see her dad. That doesn't sound like something any pair of split parents would do. And it's not fair to expect that anyway. And what about jobs? Right now I am still trying to get a job with CHSLI or the doctor's office. What if I get one of them? It would make it difficult to move away once I were to finally get a good job. There is a daycare out east by my cousins who is hiring. I spoke with the manager at the birthday party and she wants me to apply; and I'd get a discount for The Bean. So what about if I do that; do we move further out east so the commute isn't so rough? How does that factor into getting the hospital/doctor jobs? I would still keep this job at the hotel, at least part time, regardless. But then I am killing myself. And what about my fiance? I am practically begging him to go back to school. Take online classes. Something. I know he could do great things if he tried. He doesn't think he is capable though. He says how much he struggled in school, but I reminded him that was more than 12 years ago. I want him to be happy. I know if we are happy, he will be happy. But this mediocre, barely making ends meet, where will we be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 and 20 years crap really makes me pretty... well, not happy. I don't want to be hard on him but he is so content with the way our life is right now, and I really think we can do better. We share a room that's maybe 10x10 with two kids and all of our belongings are stored in two different unfinished basements (which means when we do finally move out, most everything will have to be replaced).  I don't really know what move to make first. Ideally, I would get the job with CHSLI in their radiation oncology department, work FT there and almost FT at the hotel, then maybe take some classes and go back to school, get certified and start making more money. That would entail The Bean going into daycare, which doesn't thrill me, but if that is what has to happen, then so be it. But if that did work out, daycare cost would eat up any extra money we might have so we wouldn't be able to afford rent; so how would we move out on our own? And then if I did take a great job like that here, I certainly wouldn't want to give it up; which would mean we would be staying here on the Island. Within a few years, The Bean would be starting school and then I really wouldn't want to make him move away. So that would mean we would be here for at least 20 years. I just don't know if I would be happy with that. I don't want to buy a house on the Island, but I do want one so the dogs and kids can run around safely in a fenced in yard. Get a playground for them so they can enjoy themselves. I just don't want to kill myself trying to give them that here. It's so expensive.

Le sigh.... again... maybe a weekend away will clear my head. Looking forward to next weekend, visiting my old college and then apple and pumpkin picking with my best friend and all of our kids. What a scene it will be! I can't wait.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

I thought I knew...

I thought I had a title for this entry, but the more I wrote, the more one topic led into another. And then the title was no longer appropriate for the entirety of the entry. Now I don't know what to call it...

This time of year has always rated very high in my book. I love the crisp air, the smell of fall, the changing colors, the cool mornings and nights contrasted by the comfortable temperature during the day. I've noted over the years that I don't write much poetry during the spring or summer. But autumn is so inspiring; it really gets my creative juices flowing. And winter is such a great time for reflection, plus a lot of down time with the cold weather and snow, that I find myself writing a lot during this season as well. I love poetry; reading it and writing it. Most of the time I feel like what I write about is trite and simplistic, and not in a good way, just like my regular writing on here. I'd love to inspire others the way some people get me going. But maybe I am not meant for that. I have to come to grips with the idea that I may not influence a mass audience, or even a small one, during my lifetime.

But I do know that I will influence at least one soul, and that is enough for me. That one soul is more important to me than anything in the world, and if I can teach my son to be kind, caring, helpful, intelligent, motivated (among the many things I hope for him)... then I will have done my life justice. I hope that I can show him how important it is to help others in need. That making sacrifices for the benefit of others can be a good thing. I hope I can show him ways to make a difference. I want him to be happy and fulfilled. I want him to know what he wants out of life and to go for it. I want him to be successful. I hope I can teach him things that I didn't learn until later and instill in him values that keep his head held high. I want him to be proud of good things that he does but not egotistical. I often wonder if I am making mistakes with him now, and if so, how will those mistakes affect his future. Will me letting him get away with throwing his temper tantrums allow him to grow up believing he can act foolish and obnoxious and that people should tolerate that behavior? Goodness, I hope not. Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I just don't know what to do. And what about letting him watch tv? I want to get things done, but I can't obviously trust a not-quite 2 year old to run around the house and stay out of trouble while mommy does laundry or dishes or fixes lunch/dinner... or heaven-forbid, take time to work on a creative project. Our yard is not fenced in so I can certainly not just let him loose outside. I do wish I could though. So my option to get anything accomplished is to barracade him in one room and let him be confined in monotony all day? That isn't much of an option. I hate it. I wish he napped better; his 45 minute to 1 hour (if I am lucky) naps once a day don't allow much time for anything. Especially when it takes me 30 minutes just to get him to fall asleep. I'm not a fan of the idea of letting him scream in his crib for 2 hours in hopes he will give up and go to sleep. He's never been able to fall asleep unassisted. I know I need to break that habit soon, but I just can't deal with the idea of him crying, literally sobbing, for two hours because he doesn't know why mama left him by himself in a dark room out of nowhere. And, housework be damned, I love cuddling with my little man. He's the best part of my days. So I have to snuggle him to sleep? If that means I can look at his calm, angelic face for a while, bring it on. But there is no denying it would be a good time to get things done and let me spend quality time playing with him while he is awake. Le sigh...

Little Miss has her very first school dance this afternoon. I hope she tells me all about it. I know she is starting to like boys, no matter what she says. I found a note in her backpack to a boy she likes. I wasn't snooping, not really anyway. I was going through her backpack after school, like I always have. And she stays with me so if I have any questions, she can answer them (like, What is this assignment? How did that test go? etc.). And I came across this note she had folded up with "To Drew" on it. I asked her about it and she got all flustered. It was really rather adorable. And her dad went to Back to School night last night with her and her mother. He said she was talking to some other students, including boys. I could tell he was a bit anxious about it. I hope as these next years progress and she becomes more and more interested in boys, having boyfriends, and so on, that we can ingrain in her self respect, modesty, and to be fearless in a sense. To not be afraid of saying no to things she is unsure about. To not be afraid of following the status quo if she doesn't believe in it. I am just personally so afraid that children are growing up younger and younger. I don't want her to give in to peer pressure. I just hope that we can teach her the right things before its too late. I hope as she grows, she makes good decisions. I hope she grows up with the confidence that she is beautiful and intelligent and worth peoples time.

It's so hard for girls to grow up thinking they are beautiful when societys ideas of beauty are totally ludicrous. With all the size 2 airbrushed waifs making 16 year old girls look 25, allowing young girls to believe that they have to be even thinner, dress scantily and wear a boatload of makeup to be deemed beautiful (and desireable) is outrageous. It boggles my mind that even "plus size" models are size 10 or 12 when the national average for women is actually a 14. And yet our social media is teaching the younger generations (mind included), that it is totally unacceptable to be that size. That the "norm" should be a 6 or some other difficult to attain number. The stress put on children to look a certain way is baffling and does serious damage to self esteem. And it isn't just girls either. Does every guy look like Brad Pitt or, a new trending leading man, Taylor Lautner? No. But they sure do make men think that they should. I can't argue that those men are not attractive. They are. But how many heavy set, short balding men are portrayed as the jetsetting lead man in a romance film or action movie? Why can this not be found attractive? It is to many women. And for that matter, why must looks be deemed so important? What happened to brains? Why doesn't our media pronounce how attractive intelligence is? Or kindness? Is that really incredible looking person across the way that good looking when they slap you across the face with some nasty words or just plain stupidity? Not so much. I'd like to think that people would begin to evaluate others based on values, common interests and good conversation rather than who looks good on their arm. I hope that I can teach my kids that.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Chronicles

Apparently I mixed my days up. Autumn does not begin until tomorrow. Really this time. We did get out a little yesterday and am hoping for more today. I was so unexplicably exhausted yesterday and grateful it was an early day home for my fiance. I was curled up in bed by 3pm.

Several weeks ago back in August, I quit my job at the bar that I was waitressing at one (slow) night per week. It was not financially beneficial at all considering I made zero dollars 95% of the time (literally, unfortunately). It took over 2 weeks for them to realize that I actually quit. I wrote an email to one owner and spoke with the other one face to face, said to both "I can no longer keep this commitment," and for some reason they expected me to show up to work. Awkward.... I was not taken seriously, nor was I ever paid (my measly $3 an hour) without having to ask for my money. Which was not solely my problem, but something that apparently the entire bar staff dealt with. In my opinion, it was pathetic, and I refused to subject myself to it anymore. Begging for my $16 a week. And it is bad if you are embarrassed by where you work. My full time job isn't ideal or in my career path, but it is a good decent job. But the owners wife asked me if I could work a shift as a favor for her and her friend for the friends surprise bridal shower. I actually have plans with the kids to go to a birthday party for my cousins son. I feel so bad saying "no" but that is what I did. I want to help, but I also don't want to let someone walk all over me. Not that she was, but that's how I feel I was treated at the job.

I have been trying to save a few papers each week. I am thinking of making a scrap book of sorts. Nothing extravagant. More like a note book. And take the major headlines and articles, or really the things of consequence, and paste them into the notebook so that The Bean can grow up and see what was going on, what the world was like, when he was young. I wish I had thought of this 2 years ago. I also wish I had started keeping a journal for him two years ago like I intended. But I haven't yet. I was thinking of starting on his 2nd birthday. But I don't really know why I am thinking of waiting to begin. I should just do it. I wanted to write a few things down each day about what we did together and how the day was. Maybe I should use this last month before his birthday to write to him about why I am writing a journal, why it took me two years to start, and what's been going on the last 23 months. I am so glad I posted as many pictures as I did on Facebook. His whole first six months of photos (over 1,000) were accidently deleted. I won't say by who, but it wasn't me. So I am glad that we have almost 400 pictures on there. I want to copy and move them to a more secure site. I guess just in case something happens to that website so I have a backup. I would also love to print out every photo I have so that I have a hard copy (which should not be surprising considering how untrusting of technology I am -yes, despite having a blog). I just wish it weren't so expensive. We probably have close to, if not more than, 10,000 photos. Yeah, it's a lot. And I want them all!

Quick note; I finished The Help tonight. I really enjoyed it and almost cried several times. It really makes you open your eyes and re-evaluate your relationships with other people, wondering if you treat them fairly... or unfairly for no good reason.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily