Time & Stress

It always seems like so much time passes so quickly, but then it's only been a few days. But all of a sudden, another year is gone. Little Miss turned 11 just a few days ago. I shouldn't say all of a sudden, but it certainly seems like out of nowhere her attitude has become bigger than the room. She has so many people wrapped around her finger and she knows just how to work everyone. This has always been the case, but I am really not okay with it twisting around to seem like I am an evil step mother. I've always done what I think is best for her and I always explain what is going on and why. If she doesn't understand why she is in trouble, I explain. If she doesn't agree, I listen to what she has to say. So I really do not like when people think I am mean to her all the time and too hard on her. In the last 4 and half years I think I have really yelled at her maybe a dozen times, if that much. I'm stern with her, but I rarely raise my voice. It's frustrating to give so much of yourself to help a child, especially when they aren't your own, to have other people treat you negatively because they don't know anything.

Then The Bean turned 2 years old today. I worked all day and barely got to see him. But what really got me was that everyone else opened his presents with him. We are having a dinner for him on Saturday. It could have waited. He wouldn't have known the difference. Even his father. I would have liked to have been there to see him enjoy all of that and I missed it. I know there will be other birthdays, but I would never have allowed that to happen if I were home with him. It's a special day that both of his parents should enjoy with him. End of story.

The new job has been going well. Everything else seems to be extra stressful though lately. I'm not enjoying anything right now. It seems like I am just so unhappy lately. Shouldn't a new job and a pay increase help alleviate stress? Instead it just seems like its highlighting all the other things that aren't falling into place yet. I know not being home with Gene during the day is hard on me, too. I miss him so much and don't get a lot of time with him. It's horrible.

We eliminated alcohol from our lives at the beginning of September and it seems like all I think when I am stressed is "I could really use a drink." That really bothers me. It's not like I drank a lot before. But not having that option seems to be hard on me. Harder than I'd like to admit. I really think I could use a break from the stressors in my life. Big time. I just need some space away from everyone.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily