It's been a full week since Little Miss has been coming over after school every day for homework. The failing grades are still coming in, but all of those tests were from before she started coming over. I found out her mom wants to pick her up every day at 6pm. This really hinders her getting any real quality homework/study time. Not that 3 hours after school shouldn't be enough, but she is struggling in every subject. And two days a week she has volleyball. We cut back the volleyball to only the first hour instead of the second hour. So that should give us more time. And this week, we had to take her to buy a Halloween costume for her school dance. Her uncle also took her to go shopping for her birthday gift, which I was really against. It was a school night and it hindered her completing her homework. So I was a little ticked. She also lied about several assignments this week. Just the stricter homework environment and studying with her isn't going to help if she is lieing about assignments, not writing homework down, etc. Her father told her that she has to do every extra credit project given from now on. This is something I tried to encourage her to do, but she simply refused. I told her if she tries to pull another stunt like lieing about an assignment again, she won't be allowed to go to vollyball at all. I just don't know how to get through to her that this stuff is important. That lieing is not okay. That she has to study and pay attention. She's interested in boys now so that is distracting her, along with new friends. And more difficult material makes it hard to pay attention. And we understand all of that. But it's like the kid isn't even trying. She doesn't care. Nothing seems to phase her. It's like she's given up. I can't get through to her; I can't figure out why. She's always upset, and I know part of it is because now she is being forced to work harder at school stuff. But there are so many other things so much deeper that she doesn't share. It's hard to talk to her, too, because the only time I have with her alone, we aren't really alone - The Bean is there, begging for all of my attention. I should just get a sitter for a little while sometimes and take her out for hot cocoa or something. I just hate that everytime we talk, I have to pull any information out of her. It's more that I don't like feeling like I am making her talk about something she doesn't want to. And if she doesn't want to, then is she really telling the truth? I don't want to make her upset or uncomfortable, but I want to know what is really going on inside that little noggin of hers. She just seems so troubled all the time. If that weren't the case and it was just the school assignments, I wouldn't be so worried. But she is so easily influenced and she is so upset all the time. I just can't let it go. Hopefully we will start making some progress soon.
On another note, it seems like The Bean's birthday was celebrated for a week! Which I am not a fan of. I don't want him to think that he is always getting presents. He was given gifts on his actual birthday, the Saturday following his birthday, that Sunday and again yesterday. I don't know if it's that I don't want to spoil him or if I am afraid him not getting as much next year and being disappointed.
I would really like to raise them to not expect to get everything you want, to understand that they are lucky and that not everyone has as much as they do. I know Little Miss doesn't think she/we have very much; The Bean is too young to know the difference, obviously. I've been saying for 2 years now that I want to sign up to volunteer with her at a soup kitchen, but the first year The Bean was just born and now I am working 56 hours a week. I can't believe another year is almost over already.
New job is going well I think. I got my first paycheck. Much nicer than what I've been getting elsewhere. They did put the wrong pay rate in, so I have to ask them to adjust that. I feel like that's a bit awkward. And my now part time job is still taking out insurance from my checks, even though I am now part time. So I have to ask them to knock that crap off and give me my money back. They don't offer part time employees benefits, so why are they still taking my money? Is it to benefit me? Can I still use it? My insurance at the other place won't kick in for a bit, but to be honest, I don't intend on staying until my insurance starts with them. I'd rather just cut it off and get the money back. It's more than $70 per paycheck. And I need that money. I'm trying really hard to save up to pay things off and get back on our feet. I like my new job, but I'd like it even more if I weren't living in my in-laws house.
I need my own space. My kids need their own space. I can't feel like a burden. I also can't feel like I can't raise my kids my way because I am living in someone elses house, who have their own ideas about raising kids. Me and my in-laws don't see eye to eye on much. My fiance and I discuss the kids all the time and talk about raising them, disciplining them, etc. If we don't agree on something, we figure out something we can both agree to. I know that they (my inlaws) don't know this and they see me doing more of the disciplining, and just assume my fiance has no say. But it kind of went without saying that I am the Bad Cop and my fiance is the Good Cop. I am fine with this. He is laid back and I am pretty damn uptight, so it makes sense. The other day my son did something minor, like throw a toy and, not that I condone it but he was cranky and it was late for his nap time, but my future MIL was like "Oh, that deserves a spank!" - to me, not to him as if warning him. I just kind of quick sideways glanced in her direction and sternly told him "No, we don't throw toys. If you do it again, you will go in time out," then took him upstairs for a nap. Tonight when I was trying to get him upstairs for a bath, he blew raspberries in my face, basically spitting in my face. I told him that we don't do that; when he did it again, he got a good little spanky on his bottom. I think there are times when a kid needs a little spank, but most of the time it's not necessary. I know people voice their opinions and whatnot, but hearing someone's opinion that you very rarely agree with all the time gets really frustrating. Especially when it's concerning your parenting.
I am really looking forward to not working this part time job anymore. I'd like some more energy and to be able to relax and enjoy some down time with my fiance. Maybe even go on a date. We haven't been out alone on a date in over 8 months. Not out to dinner, forget a movie. Maybe the second weekend I don't work, I am getting a sitter and going on a date with him. We really need it.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
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