Years gone by

Quite literally this time around. Nearly an entire year has passed since I last wrote. I could blame that we didn't have a computer, then we got one and it broke a few months later, but that won't really due. Much has stayed the same and much has changed over the last year. The kids are bigger, my fiance has finished school and in his field, my brother is expecting a baby, Little Miss is going to be a big sister again (from her mother). I am still at my same job, happily, and we are in the same living situation, though we have our own room now as of 3 months ago. Little Miss is now with us for the entire week for the school year, which was a major victory. She struggles, but she is 12 and has so many other personal battles with socializing and figuring out who she is, so it's hard to find a balance for her. The Bean finished day care in August and has been craving that structure again. My fiance is working his tail off at night and is home with The Bean during the day. I just hope that this all pays off in the end and we can finally achieve our goal: move out of New York.

I never understood the whole cliche about in-laws and grandparents. Until now. I honestly never imagined that I wouldn't have an amazing relationship with my significant others family. Unfortunately, that seems to be how everything is unfolding. I don't like it. I feel like I am in quite a pickle.

Christmas is in a week. I made a ridiculous amount of crafts. About 7 different kinds of ornaments, waterless snow globes, 4 different types of body scrubs, plus pickles and salsa that I made from my amazing garden this year. I thought I had too much and now it seems like I don't have enough. I finished my shopping a couple of weeks ago and all of the wrapping is done. But trying to teach my 3 year old that the holiday season is not about gifts but about giving, is so difficult. Especially with Santa shoved down his throat at every turn. And I feel like he is too young, and his attention span is way to short, to try to explain St. Nicholas. He asked me a very observant question this past Sunday. We attended a service at our Unitarian Universalist church and went to the holiday party following. Santa was there and there was a box to donate gifts. We had brought a bunch of gifts for the donation box and he put them in. At the end of the party, he looks at the box and asks why we haven't given the gifts out. I explained that it was for children who aren't going to get any gifts this year. And he asked me, "well, what about Santa?" Very good question, my boy. What about Santa? Of course I explained that everyone needs help sometimes. I don't know what I am going to tell him next year.

This has become the most bittersweet time of year. I see houses beautifully decorated and wonder what happy family lives in them. I miss my mother most this time of year. It makes dealing with all the litte stressors that much harder for me. I don't know how to cope, so I am on the verge of a mental breakdown almost all of the time. A person I could always go to for support and advice is not there. And one of the worst parts is, I have no idea what she would tell me to do.

I called my grandmother and, to my surprise, she actually is on my side about Long Island now. She was always so against my moving away. And today she actually suggested it (we were discussing housing costs here). I told my fiance that we have to "tighten our belts this year". His response was "they are pretty tight already". I just hope that he continues to excel at his current job and starts to get paid properly. Maybe then we can start saving and really get on top of things. Then *ba ba da bum* we can move! Where would be go? I've dreamt of so many different places. I think we both feel comfortable with a small-medium size town with a lot of history. I am thinking Georgia. I think I'll spend some time day dreaming and pretend I can afford to buy a house and go house hunting online.

Thanks for reading my trite little ramblings!
Peace & Love,
Emily

Letting go

The Bean begins daycare at the end of the month. I am excited to see all the new things he will be learning. We chose a daycare and they will let him transition in for "free" the week before going full time. I'm excited to see all the great things he brings home; I'm not so excited for any negative behaviors/words he may bring home. Hopefully there won't really be any negative things. He won't be going for that long. He'll get there, have breakfast, an hour later is snack, 2 hours after that is lunch, then nap time for 2 hours, snack, then he will get picked up. They have a set curriculum that they work on in two week intervals. My fiance is going to sign the papers and make the down payment tomorrow while I'm at work. I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing though. Relinquishing more control is hard for me. But, aside from not having a choice, it will be good for him.

Little Miss came over after school today with red hair dye all over her head. She's 11, mind you. Aside from looking ridiculous, she is way too young to have those chemicals on her head. It's not like it's such a shock though. She bleached her hair last year. And this is coming from a person who has had a wide array of off-kilter colors on my own noggin. I'm not against her having silly/fun hair colors. I am against her having it at such a young age. Sigh... I have no control over it though, so I have to just let it go.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & love,
Emily

When I Grow Up...

I want to be a poet, a volunteer, an activist, a role model, an entrepreneur, a baker. I want to be happy, relaxed, easy-going, successful. I'm tired of being stressed out. I feel like I know that I am the one in control of my life, but also there are so many other things that come first that I can't really do the things that I want to do. Not in reality. How can I volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen or with needy kids when I have no one to watch The Bean and Little Miss? And how can I be a poet when I can't even think straight? How can I teach my kids to handle stress with grace when I am ready to cave at any moment? How can I be anything that I want to be when I always feel so ... defeated?

Just another day in paradise

The more I slack in writing, the more I feel like other things begin slacking. I feel worse about the situations I am dealing with when I am not writing. I suppose this has become more of an online diary than anything else, which is not what I intended initially. At the beginning, I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I wanted for this blog. And I suppose I still can't. But I know that blabbering about daily nonsense was not it.

I feel like it's hard to write about the things that make me happy when I have so many other things weighing on me that keep me from those things. I tried to make some crafty holiday presents. I didn't even bother taking photos of them because I was disappointed with how they turned out. Other people complimented me on them, but to me, they were not good enough. This whole autumn/winter so far I have only truly baked maybe once or twice. I made edible gifts and treats, but they were no-bake desserts. Though I made almost 500 and it took me 3 nights plus a morning (total of about 24 hours) to make them, I still wasn't satisfied. The whole idea of making baby clothes has just fallen to the side. And that was really the only thing that would make me feel accomplished at the end of the day. But I felt so defeated that when we put the items through a wash to see if they could be machine washed, most didn't survive. I know it's just a matter of reworking some ideas, but I haven't picked anything up to make baby clothes in a long time.

Little Misses progress report was a little defeating also. We try so hard to help her succeed, but it seems like her teachers aren't really satisfied. They see some improvement, but not much. And she is slacking. But more of the problem is that she is not trying hard in school, she is not paying attention. And we can't control how she behaves when she is not in our care. Unfortunately, her mother started playing games again using her as a pawn. So I really am losing any hope for continued success with her. I shouldn't lose hope so easily, but I am so fed up. We work so hard and then when she is with her mother, everything goes out the window. It makes things so difficult. We aren't trying to damage her relationship with her mother, or take anything away. We just want what is best for Little Miss, and we have shown that we can help her in school more than her going to her mothers right after school. It's frustrating.... I feel like we are swimming against the current.

Culinary school for my fiance is coming up quick. The Bean is going to have to start day care. And our income is going to be staying the same. I don't know how we are going to make it.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

Final Thoughts of the year.... maybe

The year is coming to a close at the end of this week. It's wild to think how much has happened in a year. I look around at everything else going on around me sometimes and am shocked. This one is married or engaged, that one is pregnant, those people are buying a house. It seems like every year more and more people are moving onto bigger and better things with their lives. I hope by this time next year, I will be one of those people. I'm not looking to have another kid or buy a house or even finally start planning my wedding. I am just hoping that we will be in a better position than we are in now... or even nearly there. In my eyes, my fiance will be done with school by the end of September so with any luck, the job placement system the school has will get him in somewhere good. Then we can finally afford to get our own place again.

The kids obviously don't stop growing. Little Miss is coming into that age where she is testing her boundaries again and that little pre-teen attitude comes out more frequently now. She gets upset a lot and doesn't know why. Sometimes I believe that she doesn't know what's bothering her. More often than not, I think it's more that she doesn't want to talk about it. That's hard for her and for us, too, because how can you make something or someone better when you don't know what's wrong? I just hope we can keep her concentrating on school and working hard... and innocent... as long as possible. I feel like with technology growing, it's harder to keep childrens innocence intact for very long. The Bean is going to be starting daycare when my fiance begins school. I am nervous, but I think it will be good for him to socialize with children his own age. I just hope we can afford it without emptying our bank account.

Things are my job are going decently well. The new computer system we have is getting more manageable. We are learning how to speed up the process and get ahead of the game. The patients are still pretty wacky sometimes. But we all get along pretty well there and the days have been getting easier. We joke around a lot, which is pretty good. It relieves a lot of stress to be able to vent to people that know exactly what you are talking about and feel the same way.

Christmas went well. Relatively uneventful considering how much needed to be done. We did all of the prep work for christmas dinner days in advance, on christmas eve and that morning. So not much had to be done in the afternoon. So I was able to go to my grandmothers and not have to worry about cooking when I got back, which was nice. The kids got loads of gifts, of course. And both were very happy. The Bean kept talking about christmas trees and santa claus and saying merry christmas to people. It was adorable. Little Miss was thankful for the gifts we got her. She started playing with her microscope the next day. I love that she is interested in science. The Bean kept wanting to read all of his books, which of course makes any parent happy. I thought it was so cool that out of all the gifts they got, they were interested in the educational ones. The Bean had gotten a play kitchen from my aunt and uncle and played with it nonstop for the first two days he got it. That was last weekend. Now he's all about the books. But he does still play with it a lot. He loves to "cook" for everyone. He tells you to "try it" or "hot... blow".  He's so proud of himself with it. And I love that he is using his imagination. I am so proud of those two kids. I feel very lucky to have them in my life.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily

'Tis the Season

I can hardly believe that it's the holiday season again. And, even more so, that another year has passed. It has been a very long year with not much progress. I am hoping that next year will end better. But trying to keep my head up and stay positive. Good things have happened amongst the bad. And everything could always be worse.

I feel lucky to be blessed with two wonderful children in my life. They are all I could ever need. Seeing them happy makes my holidays better. I didn't get everything done for this weekend that I wanted to. I didn't mail out 98% of our Christmas cards; I didn't bake any cookies. But the gifts are all wrapped (sans 2 that FINALLY came via UPS just the other day), I finished the treats for people at work, the kids picture was taken and developed. We went to two holiday parties with the kids. I don't feel much in the holiday spirit, and I think our situation has a lot to do with it. It's hard not being able to have your own .... well, anything; your own space, stuff, traditions. But, again, keeping my head up and trying to look at things in the most positive light, I am grateful for what we have and that we can be together.

I can hardly believe it but my fiance got The Bean to go peepee on the potty the other day! I was so proud of him. He hasn't gone since, but hopefully it's a step in the right direction. He got his big boy hair cut the other day and he looks just as handsome as ever. He started going to bed in his crib by himself without me having to lay with him for hours! So we got him a toddler bed for Christmas, but I am hesitant to actually set it up for fear of it making things go backwards. I don't think he grasps that if he wakes up and can get out of bed, that he should just lay back down. At least in the crib, he knows he has no place to go so he lays back down and goes to sleep. But the bedroom isn't really toddler proofed because he is never in there alone. But if he is going to be able to get out of bed and walk around, then that is going to have to change. 

Little Miss is still going strong with school... kind of. I see the slacking behavior coming back and her frustrations coming back out. I think she is getting burnt out, actually. I am not surprised, she has been working very hard. And I am still very proud of her. She tried to convince her dad to let her mother dye her hair pink and he said no... but her mom was going to do it. She's only 11. All she does is mess with that poor girls hair. It's going to fall out if she keeps putting chemicals in it. Don't get me wrong, I dyed my hair plenty crazy colors, including blue, but I was at least old enough to have a job, get paid and buy it myself. I think she is too young for it right now. 

BUT it's a holiday weekend and it's a busy one at that. So I refuse to dwell on the things that stress me out, especially things that I cannot control. And I will make sure that I do everything I can to be helpful and I will try to enjoy this Christmas... even though my fiance is working for the whole thing... 

Season's Greetings to All.

Love & Peace,

Emily

Ketchup

Three and a half weeks! That's how long it's been. Too long to not have written anything. I am ashamed of myself! Well, maybe not really ashamed, but I have missed writing. Things always seem so busy and by the end of the day I am exhausted and have interest in sitting in front of a computer any longer. It's not like the old days where I could spend 4 hours writing during my work shift. I actually work during my entire workday now. What a concept. I also stress a lot about how irritating some people can be. The people who come in on Monday and then call on Wednesday and say their antibiotic that they picked up on Tuesday hasn't helped yet... what should they do? Or the people who have to come in right this moment even though they haven't bothered to follow up with anything in nearly 2 years... because they have a bit of a cough for the last couple of days. I mean, really people? Doctors are not miracle works and medication is not a pill to save the world. Let everyone, and everything, do their jobs the way they should. Our availability doesn't fit around your work schedule but you are soooo sick? Well I guess you will have to leave early. I honestly do not know what people expect. I have never had to deal with this many nut jobs since I worked at a kids store in a mall during the holidays 10 years ago. It's insane. BUT things are finally starting to sink in with everyone with the new computer system, even if it means there is an hour wait almost all day. We are starting to see progress.

Other progress? Little Miss! I am so proud of her. She is doing great in almost everything and if she keeps things up like this for the rest of the quarter, I really think she has a shot at Honor Roll! What a difference from failing. She's getting grades in the 80s, 90s, and 100s on projects and exams. She's only brought home 2 grades in the 70s, and they were both above a 75. She has gotten 2 failing grades in math, but only because she didn't follow the proper procedure on how to solve the problem; she got the answers correct, but she did it her own way. She's started going to extra help after and before school on some days. She did lie and sneak to drama club last week instead of coming here when a social studies extra help session was supposedly cancelled. But her mom told her she could go, even though her dad told her she couldn't. But she is doing really well and feeling great about herself.

With the holidays just around the corner, less than 3 weeks away, I have to finish making gifts, take the kids holiday picture, write and send all of the holiday cards, wrap all of the gifts we've got, and bake. Because what is a holiday season without baking? At least for me. There is not enough time for everything. There just simply isn't. I promised I would start early this year and it didn't happen. And I haven't done a damn thing with making kids clothes. It makes me so mad at myself.

My fiance is signed up to start culinary school at the end of January. With it brings a lot of financial stress and the stress of actually putting Gene in daycare. I hate the idea, but we don't have a choice. I know it would be good for him, but am so nervous about it. But in the long run, it will be worth it. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. The school offers job placement, so when he graduates, he will get a good job - much better than working at a beer store. YAY!

The Bean is just getting bigger and smarter as each day goes by. He always amazes me. My fiance keeps saying he wants to get him a hair cut. Which would be his first one ever - he's 2 years and 2 months old. I just can't picture him with short hair. And I really don't want to. I love his hair long. But the truth is, it's getting dry on the ends and it gets in his face a lot. I will probably cry more when he gets his hair cut than when he gets his shots (which is really not at all, but still).

Sigh, I must jet. But I will write more soon (I hope).

Thanks for reading!
Peace & Love,
Emily