Years gone by

Quite literally this time around. Nearly an entire year has passed since I last wrote. I could blame that we didn't have a computer, then we got one and it broke a few months later, but that won't really due. Much has stayed the same and much has changed over the last year. The kids are bigger, my fiance has finished school and in his field, my brother is expecting a baby, Little Miss is going to be a big sister again (from her mother). I am still at my same job, happily, and we are in the same living situation, though we have our own room now as of 3 months ago. Little Miss is now with us for the entire week for the school year, which was a major victory. She struggles, but she is 12 and has so many other personal battles with socializing and figuring out who she is, so it's hard to find a balance for her. The Bean finished day care in August and has been craving that structure again. My fiance is working his tail off at night and is home with The Bean during the day. I just hope that this all pays off in the end and we can finally achieve our goal: move out of New York.

I never understood the whole cliche about in-laws and grandparents. Until now. I honestly never imagined that I wouldn't have an amazing relationship with my significant others family. Unfortunately, that seems to be how everything is unfolding. I don't like it. I feel like I am in quite a pickle.

Christmas is in a week. I made a ridiculous amount of crafts. About 7 different kinds of ornaments, waterless snow globes, 4 different types of body scrubs, plus pickles and salsa that I made from my amazing garden this year. I thought I had too much and now it seems like I don't have enough. I finished my shopping a couple of weeks ago and all of the wrapping is done. But trying to teach my 3 year old that the holiday season is not about gifts but about giving, is so difficult. Especially with Santa shoved down his throat at every turn. And I feel like he is too young, and his attention span is way to short, to try to explain St. Nicholas. He asked me a very observant question this past Sunday. We attended a service at our Unitarian Universalist church and went to the holiday party following. Santa was there and there was a box to donate gifts. We had brought a bunch of gifts for the donation box and he put them in. At the end of the party, he looks at the box and asks why we haven't given the gifts out. I explained that it was for children who aren't going to get any gifts this year. And he asked me, "well, what about Santa?" Very good question, my boy. What about Santa? Of course I explained that everyone needs help sometimes. I don't know what I am going to tell him next year.

This has become the most bittersweet time of year. I see houses beautifully decorated and wonder what happy family lives in them. I miss my mother most this time of year. It makes dealing with all the litte stressors that much harder for me. I don't know how to cope, so I am on the verge of a mental breakdown almost all of the time. A person I could always go to for support and advice is not there. And one of the worst parts is, I have no idea what she would tell me to do.

I called my grandmother and, to my surprise, she actually is on my side about Long Island now. She was always so against my moving away. And today she actually suggested it (we were discussing housing costs here). I told my fiance that we have to "tighten our belts this year". His response was "they are pretty tight already". I just hope that he continues to excel at his current job and starts to get paid properly. Maybe then we can start saving and really get on top of things. Then *ba ba da bum* we can move! Where would be go? I've dreamt of so many different places. I think we both feel comfortable with a small-medium size town with a lot of history. I am thinking Georgia. I think I'll spend some time day dreaming and pretend I can afford to buy a house and go house hunting online.

Thanks for reading my trite little ramblings!
Peace & Love,
Emily

Letting go

The Bean begins daycare at the end of the month. I am excited to see all the new things he will be learning. We chose a daycare and they will let him transition in for "free" the week before going full time. I'm excited to see all the great things he brings home; I'm not so excited for any negative behaviors/words he may bring home. Hopefully there won't really be any negative things. He won't be going for that long. He'll get there, have breakfast, an hour later is snack, 2 hours after that is lunch, then nap time for 2 hours, snack, then he will get picked up. They have a set curriculum that they work on in two week intervals. My fiance is going to sign the papers and make the down payment tomorrow while I'm at work. I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing though. Relinquishing more control is hard for me. But, aside from not having a choice, it will be good for him.

Little Miss came over after school today with red hair dye all over her head. She's 11, mind you. Aside from looking ridiculous, she is way too young to have those chemicals on her head. It's not like it's such a shock though. She bleached her hair last year. And this is coming from a person who has had a wide array of off-kilter colors on my own noggin. I'm not against her having silly/fun hair colors. I am against her having it at such a young age. Sigh... I have no control over it though, so I have to just let it go.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & love,
Emily

When I Grow Up...

I want to be a poet, a volunteer, an activist, a role model, an entrepreneur, a baker. I want to be happy, relaxed, easy-going, successful. I'm tired of being stressed out. I feel like I know that I am the one in control of my life, but also there are so many other things that come first that I can't really do the things that I want to do. Not in reality. How can I volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen or with needy kids when I have no one to watch The Bean and Little Miss? And how can I be a poet when I can't even think straight? How can I teach my kids to handle stress with grace when I am ready to cave at any moment? How can I be anything that I want to be when I always feel so ... defeated?

Just another day in paradise

The more I slack in writing, the more I feel like other things begin slacking. I feel worse about the situations I am dealing with when I am not writing. I suppose this has become more of an online diary than anything else, which is not what I intended initially. At the beginning, I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I wanted for this blog. And I suppose I still can't. But I know that blabbering about daily nonsense was not it.

I feel like it's hard to write about the things that make me happy when I have so many other things weighing on me that keep me from those things. I tried to make some crafty holiday presents. I didn't even bother taking photos of them because I was disappointed with how they turned out. Other people complimented me on them, but to me, they were not good enough. This whole autumn/winter so far I have only truly baked maybe once or twice. I made edible gifts and treats, but they were no-bake desserts. Though I made almost 500 and it took me 3 nights plus a morning (total of about 24 hours) to make them, I still wasn't satisfied. The whole idea of making baby clothes has just fallen to the side. And that was really the only thing that would make me feel accomplished at the end of the day. But I felt so defeated that when we put the items through a wash to see if they could be machine washed, most didn't survive. I know it's just a matter of reworking some ideas, but I haven't picked anything up to make baby clothes in a long time.

Little Misses progress report was a little defeating also. We try so hard to help her succeed, but it seems like her teachers aren't really satisfied. They see some improvement, but not much. And she is slacking. But more of the problem is that she is not trying hard in school, she is not paying attention. And we can't control how she behaves when she is not in our care. Unfortunately, her mother started playing games again using her as a pawn. So I really am losing any hope for continued success with her. I shouldn't lose hope so easily, but I am so fed up. We work so hard and then when she is with her mother, everything goes out the window. It makes things so difficult. We aren't trying to damage her relationship with her mother, or take anything away. We just want what is best for Little Miss, and we have shown that we can help her in school more than her going to her mothers right after school. It's frustrating.... I feel like we are swimming against the current.

Culinary school for my fiance is coming up quick. The Bean is going to have to start day care. And our income is going to be staying the same. I don't know how we are going to make it.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily