Years gone by

Quite literally this time around. Nearly an entire year has passed since I last wrote. I could blame that we didn't have a computer, then we got one and it broke a few months later, but that won't really due. Much has stayed the same and much has changed over the last year. The kids are bigger, my fiance has finished school and in his field, my brother is expecting a baby, Little Miss is going to be a big sister again (from her mother). I am still at my same job, happily, and we are in the same living situation, though we have our own room now as of 3 months ago. Little Miss is now with us for the entire week for the school year, which was a major victory. She struggles, but she is 12 and has so many other personal battles with socializing and figuring out who she is, so it's hard to find a balance for her. The Bean finished day care in August and has been craving that structure again. My fiance is working his tail off at night and is home with The Bean during the day. I just hope that this all pays off in the end and we can finally achieve our goal: move out of New York.

I never understood the whole cliche about in-laws and grandparents. Until now. I honestly never imagined that I wouldn't have an amazing relationship with my significant others family. Unfortunately, that seems to be how everything is unfolding. I don't like it. I feel like I am in quite a pickle.

Christmas is in a week. I made a ridiculous amount of crafts. About 7 different kinds of ornaments, waterless snow globes, 4 different types of body scrubs, plus pickles and salsa that I made from my amazing garden this year. I thought I had too much and now it seems like I don't have enough. I finished my shopping a couple of weeks ago and all of the wrapping is done. But trying to teach my 3 year old that the holiday season is not about gifts but about giving, is so difficult. Especially with Santa shoved down his throat at every turn. And I feel like he is too young, and his attention span is way to short, to try to explain St. Nicholas. He asked me a very observant question this past Sunday. We attended a service at our Unitarian Universalist church and went to the holiday party following. Santa was there and there was a box to donate gifts. We had brought a bunch of gifts for the donation box and he put them in. At the end of the party, he looks at the box and asks why we haven't given the gifts out. I explained that it was for children who aren't going to get any gifts this year. And he asked me, "well, what about Santa?" Very good question, my boy. What about Santa? Of course I explained that everyone needs help sometimes. I don't know what I am going to tell him next year.

This has become the most bittersweet time of year. I see houses beautifully decorated and wonder what happy family lives in them. I miss my mother most this time of year. It makes dealing with all the litte stressors that much harder for me. I don't know how to cope, so I am on the verge of a mental breakdown almost all of the time. A person I could always go to for support and advice is not there. And one of the worst parts is, I have no idea what she would tell me to do.

I called my grandmother and, to my surprise, she actually is on my side about Long Island now. She was always so against my moving away. And today she actually suggested it (we were discussing housing costs here). I told my fiance that we have to "tighten our belts this year". His response was "they are pretty tight already". I just hope that he continues to excel at his current job and starts to get paid properly. Maybe then we can start saving and really get on top of things. Then *ba ba da bum* we can move! Where would be go? I've dreamt of so many different places. I think we both feel comfortable with a small-medium size town with a lot of history. I am thinking Georgia. I think I'll spend some time day dreaming and pretend I can afford to buy a house and go house hunting online.

Thanks for reading my trite little ramblings!
Peace & Love,
Emily