There are so many things that keep me up at night. From thinking about how bad I feel that we have so much stuff taking over my future in-laws house because there isn't really enough room (and how I can hardly wait to have our own space again); to being grateful that there is at least a roof over the kids' heads; to wondering how my step-daughters first day of middle school went; to how The Bean's arm is feeling; to thinking about what his new doctor will be like. Then I try to turn it all off and think of something serene and I try to imagine a beach. So I start thinking of sitting on a beach with no one around, then the beach suddenly is bright with sun and blue water and has palm trees and children laughing. So I try harder to imagine the calm beach and then it turns gray and cold and windy and I am imagining myself sitting there wondering 'why am I just sitting here when there is so much to be done?!' I try to imagine my sons face, then it becomes Piglets face (for some unbeknownst reason), which turns into one of those scary elephants from the Winnie the Pooh movie from my childhood, and then it turns into a dragon. I am forced to shake my head to get the images out and think to myself 'what the heck?' Why can't I just clear my mind and get some sleep. I think about all of the things I would like to get done each day and wonder why I just can't find the time. I can't seem to make the time. They aren't things that are in dire need of being done, but I would feel accomplished if they were. I feel so incredibly jealous of my friends who are able to lean on their parents for support. My mother passed away 3 and a half years ago and I just tend to think about how much help she would have been. Since then, my father has been seriously lacking in the father/grandfather department as he's moved away and, essentially, out of touch. There would have been no question about who would watch the kids when I needed. And I highly doubt she would ever have let me choose to work an overnight job. I see my friends and collegues doing so much for themselves and their families and I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water.
I think to myself "how do they have time?" And I notice that most of them are working regular jobs and/or going to school while their parents watch the kids. In general I am not used to relying on people. And don't get my wrong, my in-laws do help out and keep and eye on one or both of the kids for an hour here or there. But they both work 40+ hours a week. I couldn't possibly ask much more of them than what they are already doing for us.
Maybe I just have to bite the bullet and start signing up for school for the summer 2012. Hopefully get The Bean into the college's daycare program. The school is a full two year commitment, which would mean a full commitment to living in one room at my in-laws for another 3 years. I don't think that that is ideal for anyone. But if I were to sign up for school, I wouldn't want to move part way through. What a waste of time and money. And if I am in school and working a part time job at night, how am I going to afford to move into another place anyway. So do I go back to school, or just keep on working for now to pay off the bills and try to get ahead, and hope that it happens within a year. I was hoping to be on our feet and out well before Christmas. I just don't see it happening anymore.
I've been trying to fill out the application for the ooctye donation, but there is a lot of family history that I am not sure of and need to find out. I feel like if I had an opportunity to do that, it would not only make me feel really good about myself and doing something for others in my community, but it would alleviate a large financial burden as well. With the progress I am currently making on my bills, it would pay nearly everything off, outside of my student loan. Then I could concentrate on other things, like my hospital debt and my fiance's debt. I would like to visit with my grandmother this week. I spoke with her about two weeks ago, but haven't seen her in months. She's being so lovely and letting us store much of our belongings in my grandfathers old downstairs workshop.I know she could help me with my family history. And my aunt and uncle on my mothers side, I'm sure, would be happy to answer any questions about that side. My brother told me the other day that our last name was changed at Ellis Island. We are both curious about what it used to be.
I generally re-read what I write weeks after I actually write it. I hardly ever review anything immediately. Every time I do look it over straight away, I have the same feelings about what I've written. But when I go back and look, it certainly seems that I complain an awful lot. And even though I try to be positive, my pessimism tends to shine through. What drab writing.
Thank you for reading and for your support.
Peace & love,
Emily
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