I thought I knew...

I thought I had a title for this entry, but the more I wrote, the more one topic led into another. And then the title was no longer appropriate for the entirety of the entry. Now I don't know what to call it...

This time of year has always rated very high in my book. I love the crisp air, the smell of fall, the changing colors, the cool mornings and nights contrasted by the comfortable temperature during the day. I've noted over the years that I don't write much poetry during the spring or summer. But autumn is so inspiring; it really gets my creative juices flowing. And winter is such a great time for reflection, plus a lot of down time with the cold weather and snow, that I find myself writing a lot during this season as well. I love poetry; reading it and writing it. Most of the time I feel like what I write about is trite and simplistic, and not in a good way, just like my regular writing on here. I'd love to inspire others the way some people get me going. But maybe I am not meant for that. I have to come to grips with the idea that I may not influence a mass audience, or even a small one, during my lifetime.

But I do know that I will influence at least one soul, and that is enough for me. That one soul is more important to me than anything in the world, and if I can teach my son to be kind, caring, helpful, intelligent, motivated (among the many things I hope for him)... then I will have done my life justice. I hope that I can show him how important it is to help others in need. That making sacrifices for the benefit of others can be a good thing. I hope I can show him ways to make a difference. I want him to be happy and fulfilled. I want him to know what he wants out of life and to go for it. I want him to be successful. I hope I can teach him things that I didn't learn until later and instill in him values that keep his head held high. I want him to be proud of good things that he does but not egotistical. I often wonder if I am making mistakes with him now, and if so, how will those mistakes affect his future. Will me letting him get away with throwing his temper tantrums allow him to grow up believing he can act foolish and obnoxious and that people should tolerate that behavior? Goodness, I hope not. Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I just don't know what to do. And what about letting him watch tv? I want to get things done, but I can't obviously trust a not-quite 2 year old to run around the house and stay out of trouble while mommy does laundry or dishes or fixes lunch/dinner... or heaven-forbid, take time to work on a creative project. Our yard is not fenced in so I can certainly not just let him loose outside. I do wish I could though. So my option to get anything accomplished is to barracade him in one room and let him be confined in monotony all day? That isn't much of an option. I hate it. I wish he napped better; his 45 minute to 1 hour (if I am lucky) naps once a day don't allow much time for anything. Especially when it takes me 30 minutes just to get him to fall asleep. I'm not a fan of the idea of letting him scream in his crib for 2 hours in hopes he will give up and go to sleep. He's never been able to fall asleep unassisted. I know I need to break that habit soon, but I just can't deal with the idea of him crying, literally sobbing, for two hours because he doesn't know why mama left him by himself in a dark room out of nowhere. And, housework be damned, I love cuddling with my little man. He's the best part of my days. So I have to snuggle him to sleep? If that means I can look at his calm, angelic face for a while, bring it on. But there is no denying it would be a good time to get things done and let me spend quality time playing with him while he is awake. Le sigh...

Little Miss has her very first school dance this afternoon. I hope she tells me all about it. I know she is starting to like boys, no matter what she says. I found a note in her backpack to a boy she likes. I wasn't snooping, not really anyway. I was going through her backpack after school, like I always have. And she stays with me so if I have any questions, she can answer them (like, What is this assignment? How did that test go? etc.). And I came across this note she had folded up with "To Drew" on it. I asked her about it and she got all flustered. It was really rather adorable. And her dad went to Back to School night last night with her and her mother. He said she was talking to some other students, including boys. I could tell he was a bit anxious about it. I hope as these next years progress and she becomes more and more interested in boys, having boyfriends, and so on, that we can ingrain in her self respect, modesty, and to be fearless in a sense. To not be afraid of saying no to things she is unsure about. To not be afraid of following the status quo if she doesn't believe in it. I am just personally so afraid that children are growing up younger and younger. I don't want her to give in to peer pressure. I just hope that we can teach her the right things before its too late. I hope as she grows, she makes good decisions. I hope she grows up with the confidence that she is beautiful and intelligent and worth peoples time.

It's so hard for girls to grow up thinking they are beautiful when societys ideas of beauty are totally ludicrous. With all the size 2 airbrushed waifs making 16 year old girls look 25, allowing young girls to believe that they have to be even thinner, dress scantily and wear a boatload of makeup to be deemed beautiful (and desireable) is outrageous. It boggles my mind that even "plus size" models are size 10 or 12 when the national average for women is actually a 14. And yet our social media is teaching the younger generations (mind included), that it is totally unacceptable to be that size. That the "norm" should be a 6 or some other difficult to attain number. The stress put on children to look a certain way is baffling and does serious damage to self esteem. And it isn't just girls either. Does every guy look like Brad Pitt or, a new trending leading man, Taylor Lautner? No. But they sure do make men think that they should. I can't argue that those men are not attractive. They are. But how many heavy set, short balding men are portrayed as the jetsetting lead man in a romance film or action movie? Why can this not be found attractive? It is to many women. And for that matter, why must looks be deemed so important? What happened to brains? Why doesn't our media pronounce how attractive intelligence is? Or kindness? Is that really incredible looking person across the way that good looking when they slap you across the face with some nasty words or just plain stupidity? Not so much. I'd like to think that people would begin to evaluate others based on values, common interests and good conversation rather than who looks good on their arm. I hope that I can teach my kids that.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily