Fathers and Daughters

I've never considered myself a daddy's girl. Maybe I was when I was little, but the only happy memory I have with my father as a young girl is a camping trip we took. I have few other memories and most are not good. I do also remember the first time he got me to eat a tuna sandwich... by toasting the bread. I remember being shocked by how delicious it was, and being so excited about it. I felt like such a grown up because I thought only grown ups would like tunafish.

Growing up I looked down on my dad. I thought he was a failure. He didn't seem to take care of his family. He drank a lot, smoked a lot of cigarettes, and yelled... a lot. It made it difficult to like him. So I didn't. For a long time. Then I moved out for college and I thought things were getting better. Both of my parents seemed happier. All three of us were grown teenagers, my brothers and myself. I actually would speak to my dad briefly here and there while I was away and even when I was home. Things seemed to be getting better. Then mom got sick. Then she got worse and I moved home. Then the trouble started with Dad again. We just don't seem to get along. We fought. And when mom passed away, we fought more. I tried to be understanding. And I tried to be supportive. But I wonder if I didn't do enough. For both my father as well as my mother when she were alive. I feel like I should have and could have done more. My Dad lost the house he and my mom bought together. Then he moved away to some town in the middle of nowhere.

He called me last night while I should have been sleeping, even though I wasn't. And we've been trying to touch base for a few days. So I answered. He sounded a bit inebriated. But he was so upset. I've only known my father to cry maybe 4 times in my life. Once when my grandfather (his dad) passed. And then surrounding my mom and the time of her death. He was so upset because he misses us. He is lonely up there. Which we expected to happen. But I didn't expect him to call me crying one day. It was really incredibly upsetting. One of the first times I can recall ever crying about my dad in a sad way, without being mad at him. He also barely works and can't feed himself. Now I feel obligated to do something to help him. We were considering moving anyway, so maybe moving closer to him, even temporarily, is an option. There are cities/towns nearby (30 minutes or so away from him) that would offer job opportunities and decent housing. But then that would mean considering moving 5 hours from my stepdaughter. I don't know if I can make that decision. And I don't know if I can ask or expect Jay to make it either. Even though we both know eventually we have to move off of LI since it's too expensive for us. It just seems.... like our options aren't very good ones. None of them would work out so everyone is happy. And that is what I want; for everyone to be happy.

Peace & Love,
Emily