This weekend all four of us went to dinner at my aunt and uncles house on Saturday (my mom's brother). My youngest cousin over there loves The Bean to bits. He is almost the same age as Little Miss though, so it works out really nicely. Their oldest boy is a junior in high school and the middle boy is a freshman I think. I cannot comprehend how the middle one can be so rude to his parents, especially in front of company, family or not. I was totally appalled. I almost said something to him. He is my cousin after all, and part of me felt like I can put him in his place if I wanted. But then I thought it might be inappropriate of me to speak to him like then when his parents weren't, for whatever reason. Regardless, I love visiting them. My aunt is always so nice and my uncle (who is always incredibly nice) reminds me so much of my mom.
Yesterday we all went to my cousins (on my fathers side) sons 3rd birthday party. It was just a small little gathering meant more for the kids than anything. They live a bit further out on the Island. I don't get to talk to them or see them that much, but I love my cousin and his wife so much. They are such great people with such big hearts. My cousin was telling me their plans for their house and future, suggesting we move out near them being that it is a lot less expensive. It just got the thinking ball rolling again about what we are going to do. What are we going to do? Where are we going to settle and when? What about career paths? There are so many aspects to think about: distance from Little Miss, from my family, his family, our friends nearby, our friends that are further away, can we get jobs, cost of living, how are the school districts. Part of me thinks that I would love to be on the other side of the country; most of my communication with people is via the internet or telephone anyway. But do I really want to move away from my brother and girlfriend? My best friend is 2 hours away and that is hard enough; what would we do if I moved even further? And what about my fiance's family? They love having us living with them. His mom tells me all the time how happy it makes her to have us there and how much she enjoys seeing The bean every day and Little Miss all the time. And what about Little Miss? I told my fiance it is 100% his decision. Moving away from her would be a huge step, and I don't know if it would be a good idea. I think it could really do damage emotionally to her. And her mother always says that if we wanted to move, she would go, too. But we can't rely on her to do that. Her move to follow us where we want to go so that Little Miss can see her dad. That doesn't sound like something any pair of split parents would do. And it's not fair to expect that anyway. And what about jobs? Right now I am still trying to get a job with CHSLI or the doctor's office. What if I get one of them? It would make it difficult to move away once I were to finally get a good job. There is a daycare out east by my cousins who is hiring. I spoke with the manager at the birthday party and she wants me to apply; and I'd get a discount for The Bean. So what about if I do that; do we move further out east so the commute isn't so rough? How does that factor into getting the hospital/doctor jobs? I would still keep this job at the hotel, at least part time, regardless. But then I am killing myself. And what about my fiance? I am practically begging him to go back to school. Take online classes. Something. I know he could do great things if he tried. He doesn't think he is capable though. He says how much he struggled in school, but I reminded him that was more than 12 years ago. I want him to be happy. I know if we are happy, he will be happy. But this mediocre, barely making ends meet, where will we be in 2 years, 5 years, 10 and 20 years crap really makes me pretty... well, not happy. I don't want to be hard on him but he is so content with the way our life is right now, and I really think we can do better. We share a room that's maybe 10x10 with two kids and all of our belongings are stored in two different unfinished basements (which means when we do finally move out, most everything will have to be replaced). I don't really know what move to make first. Ideally, I would get the job with CHSLI in their radiation oncology department, work FT there and almost FT at the hotel, then maybe take some classes and go back to school, get certified and start making more money. That would entail The Bean going into daycare, which doesn't thrill me, but if that is what has to happen, then so be it. But if that did work out, daycare cost would eat up any extra money we might have so we wouldn't be able to afford rent; so how would we move out on our own? And then if I did take a great job like that here, I certainly wouldn't want to give it up; which would mean we would be staying here on the Island. Within a few years, The Bean would be starting school and then I really wouldn't want to make him move away. So that would mean we would be here for at least 20 years. I just don't know if I would be happy with that. I don't want to buy a house on the Island, but I do want one so the dogs and kids can run around safely in a fenced in yard. Get a playground for them so they can enjoy themselves. I just don't want to kill myself trying to give them that here. It's so expensive.
Le sigh.... again... maybe a weekend away will clear my head. Looking forward to next weekend, visiting my old college and then apple and pumpkin picking with my best friend and all of our kids. What a scene it will be! I can't wait.
Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily
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