Realizations

It's early morning, about 5a.m., and I'm at work thinking about this blog when an episode of Franklin pops into my head. Franklin is a show my son watches on NickJr. A quick reminder: my son is not quite 2 yet. I wasn't thinking of my little boy or television. I was thinking how I have so many thoughts going through my head and I need to get them all down. And that I know I promised to write once a week (at a minimum), but if I write several days in a row, does that mean that I can have a bit of leeway and not write for a few weeks? Not that I don't want to write, buuut just in case I fall behind. The reason it reminds me of Franklin is because in an episode where Franklin (a cartoon turtle) and his best friend Bear (creative name for a bear, huh?) bake cookies, they are supposed to be learning moderation: one cookie a day. But then they eat tomorrows cookie, and the next day, and reason it by saying that they will just not have cookies those days. So one of my realizations is that I am getting too old too quickly. And maybe my son watches too much television. To be perfectly honest, I think it bothers me more than anyone else. I am not a tv-watcher. If I could not have a television in my home, I would. My fiance won't quite go with that, though. So me not being much of a television person, I vowed to not let my kid watch too much tv! And here we are, singing and dancing to the songs, saying the lines before the characters. And all I can think is "Oy vey! How did I let this happen?" Am I just trying to make myself feel better by reasoning that they are educational? Probably.

Another more serious realization is that I put too much pressure on my fiance. I'm so concerned with his self-esteem and how it factors into him not following up on job applications or not advancing to a better place, that I'm not trying to help him boost his self-esteem. What kind of partner am I? A frustrated one, for sure. But does that mean I should just give up on someone? I don't really think so. Maybe I should stop expecting so much of him while I let myself slack off. So the first thing I have to do is get my self together. Exactly how am I going to do this though? Well, honestly I think it's going to be a long process. A very long process. Since it would seem that going back to school is nearly out of the question in respect to the near future, I have been trying to get a job working at a medical office. My hope is that with this addition of recent medical work to my resume, I will have a higher chance of getting into a radiation onocology clinic: where I would truely love to work. My goal is that upon working in a Rad. Onc. clinic I will be able to go back to school to be a radiation therapist (treating cancer patients), hopefully paid for by the clinic. Ideally, it would be schooling for medical dosimetry (planning the radiation therapy), but considering there are currently only 16 accredited colleges in the country for that field, I'm keeping my hopes low on that one. So if I become a certified Radiation Therapist, then I can work my way into training under a Medical Dosimetrist. And after a certain number of years of training, I can take the certification exam to become a Medical Dosimetrist without having to attend one of the very few, very competitive programs. Unfortunately, this is about a 5-10 year plan. I'm hoping more on the 5 year side. I wouldn't be incredibly let down if it took me 5-6 years.

So I have this long term plan, which my fiance totally supports. So how come I find myself being so hard on him? Maybe growing up, the whole idea of the beautiful house with a white fence, staying home to raise the kids while daddy brings home the bacon really screwed me for reality. He's trying hard, almost as hard as he can. I don't think he gives himself enough credit or has enough confidence in himself to know that he can do so much more, he can offer so much more. He's a loving, vibrant, personable guy who gets along with everyone. He goes above and beyond to learn everything he can about everything he is interested in. He has so much knowledge and so many interests. I just wish he knew all the great things he could do. And had the motivation/ambition to do them. Sometimes I feel like it's that saying "you can bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

I've been talking to an old friend a lot lately. He's up all night and I'm up all night. So we just chat about politics and finances and nonsense. But we were talking the other night about the stock market. He's had quite a bit of luck with one move he makes each year. So I am considering maybe following his trend and seeing what happens. I'm not much of a gambler at all though, so it makes me quite nervous. Another thing we somehow got on the topic of was oocyte donation. I did a lot of reading about it and really think it is something I might want to consider. I've always considered being a surrogate mom. What an honor, don't you think? To be able to give someone the joy of having a child. To be such a big part of it. So why not oocyte donation. It's less of a commitment, really. And you can possibly help even more people than becoming a surrogate. I know that there are health risks involved. And I know it is very demanding. But it wouldn't prohibit me from having more children in the future, which is important to me. I read that it can be hard emotionally and psychologically, too. To know that there might be a little person out there that is genetically your child. It might throw you for a loop. But I think I would like to do more of an open donation, where you can actually have a realtionship with the parents and child. I think that would be really neat. A sort of extended family. Definitely not a decision to make on my own though. Lots of little demands to consider.

Thanks for reading.
Peace & Love,
Emily